Thursday, November 22, 2001

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Friday, November 09, 2001

"Television hangs on the questionable theory that whatever happens anywhere should be sensed everywhere. If everyone is going to be able to see everything, in the long run all sights may lose whatever rarity value they once possessed, and it may well turn out that people, being able to see and hear practically everything, will be specially interested in almost nothing."
- E.B. White

Wednesday, November 07, 2001

Your Discordian Meditation for the Day.

Click for enlightenment.

Truth is found within.

Friday, November 02, 2001

Well, leave it to St. Andre Codrescu to come up with another cool rant about Chaos and Eros on Halloween. Check it out courtesy NPR.

Wednesday, October 31, 2001

Happy Halloween, everyone. I've always liked Halloween. It's the one day of the year even Greyfaces can get a little bit weird. On Halloween, people can dress up in strange clothes and act completely out of character and no one will think they're crazy or abnormal. I think it's vital that we keep this holiday like that. It's sort of a safety valve. Society orders us to behave in strict patterns else face punishment. Well, that causes pressure and that pressure needs to be released every now and again. Of course, I'd love to see more holidays like this, where social norms are given permission to be bent or lifted, but I think the Aneristic Majority couldn't handle it.

In any case, you have been given carte blanche to behave weirdly. Go forth and do so, so long as you don't hurt anyone. Enjoy this day, and spread the freakiness, and have fun.

Monday, October 29, 2001

Headlong from out their heav'nly heights, descending swift as fires
Over the land; naked and flaming are their lineaments seen
In the deep gloom; by Washington and Paine and Warren they stood;
And the flame folded, roaring fierce within the pitchy night,
Before the Demon red, who burnt towards America,
In black smoke, thunders, and loud winds, rejoicing in its terror,
Breaking in smoky wreaths from the wild deep, and gath'ring thick
In flames as of a furnace on the land from North to South...

-- William Blake, America: A Prophecy

Thursday, October 25, 2001

I think patriotism can be a good thing. It's pride. Now, some say pride is a sin, but these are usually also the people who think that if they have a good day they're getting too 'uppity' with God. Me, I think a little pride is useful. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you're good at, provided you're not deceiving yourself. I have always felt that one of the keys to life is knowing yourself: knowing both your strengths and weaknesses, and playing to the former and acknowledging the latter. So, a little pride in one's community, culture, nation, etc. is not really a bad thing.

However, I also feel that patriotism should be quiet and subtle. Ever since the September 11th attacks, the USA and other markets have been flooded with patriotic goods. Turn on the TV, and there's Time/Life selling collections of Americana songs. There's some mint selling silver dollars, with the artwork repainted in day-glo colors to maximize the inspiriation! (Yeah, that's a great idea. You know, we should repaint Lincoln's statue in the Lincoln Memorial, too. Things are so much better in color, right?) And in every Wal-Mart and grocery store, red, white and blue flags, banners, balloons, ribbons, yard signs, bumper stickers, license plates, pens, lighters, candy, anything which can capitalize on the surge of nationalism which came after the 9.11 disaster.

Personally, I find some of this stuff tacky. It's one thing to hang a flag at your front door- simple, tasteful, appropriate. It's another to festoon your mini-van with bunting and write "God Bless America!" and "United We Stand!" in red, white, and blue letters all over the back windshield. Patriotism is about words and deeds, not waving flags. But the mass marketers rushed the goods out to the stores, and now anyone can be a "patriot" for a few bucks. The scary thing to me, is it's not just in the USA.

Now, I go along with St. Elfman who once sung, "There's nothing wrong with capitalism." I don't think there is. The problem, rather, is how America has become more than a capitalistic society, but a consumerist society. That is, a society that believe all ideas, objects, and even people are things which can be commodified and sold, and places great importance in the buying and selling of these commodities. Everything is for sale, and it's a seller's market. We already sell love, sex, self-esteem, personal values, religion, faith, belonging, community, and body image, why not sell patriotism, too?

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, why don't you click the "Buy Stuff" button to your left, there, and see what kind of keen Telesis merchandise we have for sale.

Tuesday, October 23, 2001

Now, I freely admit that sometimes I can be a misanthrope. On good days, a curmudgeon. But I guess that in my heart of hearts I still have faith that one day human beings will really stop being cabbages or something. Which is why I still feel betrayed when I get these stupid internet get-rich-quick emails:

Before you say ''Bull'', please read the following. This is the letter you have been hearing about on the news lately. Due to the popularity of this letter on the Internet, a national weekly news program recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of this program described below, to see if it really can make people money. The show also investigated whether or not the program was legal.

Their findings proved once and for all that there are ''absolutely NO Laws prohibiting the participation in the program and if people can "follow the simple instruction" they are bound to make some mega bucks with only $25 out of pocket cost''.



=====Order all 5 reports shown on the list below =====

For each report, send $5 CASH, THE NAME & NUMBER OF THE REPORT YOU ARE ORDERING and YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS to the person whose name appears ON THAT LIST next to the report. MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE TOP LEFT CORNER in case of any mail problems.
Etc. etc. You don't need to read the whole thing, it should all look pretty familiar to you. It's one of those schemes where you send five bucks to the people on the list, and then add your name to the list, and send out multiple copies to other folks, in hopes that THEY will send you $5.00, etc. etc. I really hope that people aren't falling for this, but you never know. Just when I get my hopes up, they become dashed by the vastness of human stupidity.

Anyway, I figure we could do something useful with this. There are 5 addresses at the bottom of the email. I figure we could send them something interesting, some Abnormail (as Prince Mu-Chao likes to call it) to make their days more weird. Nothing threatening or illegal, of course, and no white powder, you sickos. I don't know if they're valid addresses or not, but I figure if they're gonna spam Hotmail with their addresses, they should be prepared for strange responses. Anyway, here they are:

M.L. Frayser
P.O. Box 61432
Fort Myers, FL 33906

Stone Evans
600 N. Pearl, Suite G103
Dallas, TX 75201

Maxime Laurent
616 Sainte Famille
Boucherville, Quebec, J4B 4A6

Diana Cooper
1074 Crosswind Ct.
San Jose, CA 95120

Craig Wuthrich
2390 Falls Ave E
Twin Falls, ID 83301

Monday, October 22, 2001

Seems we've been given props. The nice folks over at Culture Pimp have made a link to us here at Telesis, so, I figure I'd point you their direction. You may know Beatus Ffungo of Cabaret Discordia? He's involved over at Culture Pimp, so you know it's good stuff. The Cabaret looks good, too, been changed around since the last time I visited. Unfortunately, this entry will vanish into the archives before too long, so I may have to make a little perma-link kind of thing for places that are really cool.

While I'm plugging, let me point people once more to Discord Aggregate. I just got their Texture of the Sky CD and it's Good Thing.

Here's a question for you: What's the coolest/hippest/most useful/strange/actualizing site on the web? Email me your suggestions.

Friday, October 19, 2001

Well, now, everyone's worried about Anthrax. I guess I would be, too, a little, especially if I lived in a Major American City. Fortunately, the Pineal Research Lab is actually built in a concrete bunker buried under a quarter mile of granite bedrock in an unnamed mountain range a good bit offshore from all this mess. The Telesis offices are located in an office park in the Wallis and Futuna Islands, and though we got a little jumpy when the tabloids and media started getting the Anthrax letters, we figure terrorists would be too lazy to pay the Air Mail to get to us.

Anyway, about Anthrax, I never really considered them much of a threat, before. I've never been one for hair metal, nor do I tend to use words like "rokken" and "dude". They just seemed like harmless folks to me, who enjoyed strangling their guitars and leering. But apparantly, they are. So, let this be a lesson to you. Tipper Gore was right, music is evil and can cause panic, destruction, and the collapse of civilization as we know it. Just check out Anthrax's website.

Saturday, October 13, 2001

What is the sound of one eye opening?

What is the image of one eye opening?

What is the feel of one eye opening?

What is the scent of one eye opening?

What is the taste of one eye opening?

What about two eyes?

What about three?

Tuesday, October 09, 2001

Just a quick pointer. I got a nice email from ~k about Telesis a while back, and neglected to point her her site, which is very keen, and has latin and stuff in it. Check it out.

Monday, October 08, 2001

I love mail like this:

I visited and I noticed that you are not listed on some search engines. I am sure you can increase the number of people who visit . Do you know TrafficMagnet? TrafficMagnet is a unique technology that instantly submits your web site to over 300,000+ search engines and directories every month. This is a very low-cost and effective way of advertising your site.

To check our prices and submit to 300,000+ search engines, go to

I would love to hear from you.

Best Regards,
Christine Hall
Sales & Marketing
So, naturally, I sent this reply back:
Dear Ms. Christine Hall,

Just wanted to say "thanks!" for taking the time to visit my site. I was wondering, since you stopped by and had a look, what did you think? I love getting feedback from my readers, and wondered if what I had written had touched you in any way? Did you have anything you wanted to comment on, specifically?

Since you read over the site, you understand that I'm not doing this thing for profit. That's really nice of you to offer the services of your company for someone like me, knowing that I couldn't possibly pay for them. It speaks to the generosity of your heart that you'd be willing to consider furthering our cause for free. I'm going to tell everyone how wonderful you and your company is, and even nominate you for sainthood! (smile)

Do write me back and let me know!

With kindest regards and flax,
Lord Falgan, FM, KSC
The love and support of the world for Discordianism is really underrated.

Thursday, October 04, 2001

"Son, I am able,"
she said,
"though you scare me."
"Watch." said I.
I said, "Watch
me scare you, though."
Said she,
"Able am I, son."

-- They Might Be Giants - I Palindrome I

Monday, October 01, 2001

Well, now, I've been avoiding this column for almost another two weeks.

The truth is, I haven't felt inspired by Eris in the past couple of weeks. I think the attack on the WTC and Pentagon have affected me more than I initially expected it would. Or maybe I'm just going through a bad patch or something. The muse comes and goes.

But I've been telling my friends that "If we give up or become afraid, they win." One thing I can't stand is a hypocrite, and especially if it's me. So... time to move on. Here's something I wrote which seems to work:

A Discordian Blessing
Eris bring peace when you need it
Strife when you don't
Know that which you will
Probably won't
Though Order and Chaos
Change every day
Know that in the end
It works out okay.

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Okay. It's been a week since the attack on the WTC and the Pentagon. Like everyone else, I've been in shock, kind of numb, feeling uncertain about what to do or say. There have been times when I've felt angry, many more times when I've felt sad. I thought that if I were to just sit back from here for a week, eventually I would know what it is I wanted to say. I still don't think I know.

I watched as Chaos, Discord, and Confusion erupted in NYC and DC. I watched as destruction was brought to two bastions of Bureaucracy, and we are still dealing with the Aftermath. You would think Eris would be pleased.

But that's the wrong trip. Again and again I've pointed out, here, that the great war is not Order vs. Chaos, but rather, Creative vs. Destructive. What happened last week is a great example of Destructive Disorder, of the worst kind. And don't be thinking the terrorists who did this are models of anti-establishment and agents of Chaos. They are servants of a very Ordered plan. Under the guise of religion (ouch), a few people are so into their own trip, they are willing to take extreme measures to ensure they continue to remain in power. This is not about a "holy war". That's just spin and whitewash for the masses. Convince someone that god is on your side, and they'll follow you to the depths of their faith. No, this war is what all wars are about: power. It's about a small group of people who want to own a piece of land, control the people who live there, and get rich off of them.

I don't think Eris would be pleased about what happened last week. I don't know that She would be outraged, either. Remember the "Sermon on Ethics and Love" from the Principia Discordia:
One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said YES?

"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"


"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe."


"But nobody Wants it! Everybody hates it."


At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.
Like the Polyfather before us, we, too, are left stranded alone with our species. There is no powerful force of Good riding to our rescue, nor is there a force of Evil who is wringing his hands, twirling his mustache, and laughing like a Republic serial villain at what he wrought. There's just us. We did this. We get to deal with this, alone.

Some people would find that depressing. Not me. I think that when you realize that the world is yours to shape and mold, to make the most out of, and to try to make sense of... then you realize how cool life really is. Let's step up to the plate, here. Let's collectively recognize our responsibilites as the Confused little children that we are, and try to fix things ourselves.

Wednesday, September 12, 2001


Sunday, September 09, 2001

Some things in the world astonish me. Look at this article. It describes how, after a rash of suicides and attempted suicides in Calcutta train stations (people are throwing themselves in front of trains), the city has decided to take decisive action to put a stop to them: They're going to play soothing music in the train stations.

It's baffling to me how people figure out solutions to problems. What is the thought process, here? "People are throwing themselves in front of trains!" "Why do you think that is?" "Well, they must be stressed out about something." "Stress, huh. Hey, when I'm stressed, I like to listen to soothing music!" "What a great idea!"

The bureaucratic mindset is so entrenched in order, that it fails to think in larger, more chaotic, ways. It sees Y as the cause of Z, thus tries to cure Y. Yet it doesn't think that Y might be caused by X. Or that maybe A, B, G, and Q when connected with N and L (which is especially bad this time of year) make X even worse.

Maybe it's just me, but maybe these people are killing themselves because of overcrowding, terrible poverty, disease, and hunger. If you don't have a place to live, you have dysentary, no job, and no food... is a little light music going to provide you the will to live? Come on, people. Get with the program.

Thursday, September 06, 2001

Mail call. Here's a letter:
Dear Telesis,
I'm really into meditation. I find it helps me focus my mind and spirit and helps to expand my consciousness. I also am really interested in Discordianism! Are there any Discordian meditation techniques or mantras you can share?
Thank you,
Hollie M. Melville

Yes, Hollie, the primus or 'classic' Discordian meditation technique was created by Hung Mung many centuries ago after the apostle slipped in the bathtub and hit his head on Saturday afternoon. It has been passed down from cabal to cabal and now is a very popular technique for meditating on Eris, Her Truths, Her Will, and Her Booty. I'll share the technique.
  • Begin by finding a place to meditate. This can be anywhere, but works best when you are in a crowded, noisy place. It is important that you learn to be able to close off your conscious mind from external distractions. Subway platforms, busy sidewalks, public parks, county fairs, etc. are all viable.
  • Sit on the ground with your legs crossed. Be sure to wear either loose, comfortable clothing or, as Hung Mung himself did, nothing at all. Place your fingers in your ears, and squeeze your eyes closed.
  • Begin by rocking your torso back and forth, while breathing deeply. Eventually, you will want to move your torso in a circle, to mimic the spinning of the Sacred Chao.
  • In a loud voice, intone this mantra: Oh wah tey foo lye ahm. Repeat this mantra while focusing on your breathing and your rocking about. Ignore everything going on around you.
  • Continue this meditation until you understand the meaning of the mantra. Then you will be enlighted.

Saturday, September 01, 2001

Narf! Fnord!Another odd observation. You all know the cartoon Pinky & the Brain. Well, if you know the lyrics to their theme, it says that "One is a genius, and the other's insane."

Well... let's see. Brain is a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur. That must mean Pinky is the genius. Poit.

Friday, August 31, 2001

Many of you are familiar with the old SubGenius* gag about Bob and the expression "Jesus is Our Hope." Basically, there were these flyers everywhere that said "Jesus is Our Hope" on them, and the SubGenii made stickers in similar typeface and size that said "Bob" and stuck them creatively on the flyers. Thus, they came to read, "Bob is Our Hope," and "Jesus is Our Bob." and "Jesus is Bob Hope."

Well, today, I saw a sticker which said "Jesus is life." And I started thinking about an old Coca-Cola ad slogan and thus...
If Jesus Is Life, and Coke Adds Life, then
Coke Adds Jesus.
* The presence and mention of the SubGenius Organization in this document does not imply approval of its editors, advertisers, or readers with SubGenius doctrine, and none should be inferred.

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

Check out the Van Gogh-Goghs website for some fairly funny stuff. In particular, take a look at Way to Creep Out your Co-workers which seems nicely Discordian. They're also the creators of Furniture Porn.

Saturday, August 25, 2001

Just for me?

J'ai guru deva om.I'm so very happy I am able to contact you.
My name is Cleo, and I am a Master Tarot Psychic. I had an exciting dream last night that could affect the rest of your life!

In my dream, I saw how people are incredibly gullible. I saw how people are also looking so hard outside of themselves for easy answers and quick advice that this gullibility can become even more pronounced. I found that people are so willing to believe in myth and legend as Truth, rather than simply instructional stories. I saw all these things, and realized one thing: I can make a killing.

It's really quite simple. You take a bunch of really old cards and tell people they have mystic powers. You also give yourself a title like "Shaman" and "Psychic" and claim to be able to see the future, or talk to dead people. You then use the cards and a bunch of old grifters tricks to tell people what they want to hear, nothing more, nothing less. And they will pay you to do this. If you get really good, you can get rid of the cards.

Pretty soon, if you are a good actor and have practiced your routine, you can make enough money to get your own TV show or a whole 900 number call center, and train other people to do what you do, and make even more money. Convince enough people that what you're doing is right and True, and you can start your own religion, like Christianity or Wicca, move into the mainstream and really rake in the dough.

I share this dream with you, Lord, because I know you want a piece of the action. And the truth of the matter is that it's so very easy to do. People are so hungry for Truth, easy Truth, they'll do the work for you. So, follow my advice. Consider this your free reading.