Telesis

2001-11-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

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2001-11-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

"Television hangs on the questionable theory that whatever happens anywhere should be sensed everywhere. If everyone is going to be able to see everything, in the long run all sights may lose whatever rarity value they once possessed, and it may well turn out that people, being able to see and hear practically everything, will be specially interested in almost nothing."

- E.B. White

2001-11-07T18:53:00.000-08:00

Your Discordian Meditation for the Day.

Click for enlightenment.

Truth is found within.

2001-11-02T04:58:00.000-08:00

Well, leave it to St. Andre Codrescu to come up with another cool rant about Chaos and Eros on Halloween. Check it out courtesy NPR.

2001-10-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween, everyone. I've always liked Halloween. It's the one day of the year even Greyfaces can get a little bit weird. On Halloween, people can dress up in strange clothes and act completely out of character and no one will think they're crazy or abnormal. I think it's vital that we keep this holiday like that. It's sort of a safety valve. Society orders us to behave in strict patterns else face punishment. Well, that causes pressure and that pressure needs to be released every now and again. Of course, I'd love to see more holidays like this, where social norms are given permission to be bent or lifted, but I think the Aneristic Majority couldn't handle it.

In any case, you have been given carte blanche to behave weirdly. Go forth and do so, so long as you don't hurt anyone. Enjoy this day, and spread the freakiness, and have fun.

2001-10-29T22:20:00.000-08:00

Headlong from out their heav'nly heights, descending swift as fires
Over the land; naked and flaming are their lineaments seen
In the deep gloom; by Washington and Paine and Warren they stood;
And the flame folded, roaring fierce within the pitchy night,
Before the Demon red, who burnt towards America,
In black smoke, thunders, and loud winds, rejoicing in its terror,
Breaking in smoky wreaths from the wild deep, and gath'ring thick
In flames as of a furnace on the land from North to South...
-- William Blake, America: A Prophecy

2001-10-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

I think patriotism can be a good thing. It's pride. Now, some say pride is a sin, but these are usually also the people who think that if they have a good day they're getting too 'uppity' with God. Me, I think a little pride is useful. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you're good at, provided you're not deceiving yourself. I have always felt that one of the keys to life is knowing yourself: knowing both your strengths and weaknesses, and playing to the former and acknowledging the latter. So, a little pride in one's community, culture, nation, etc. is not really a bad thing.

However, I also feel that patriotism should be quiet and subtle. Ever since the September 11th attacks, the USA and other markets have been flooded with patriotic goods. Turn on the TV, and there's Time/Life selling collections of Americana songs. There's some mint selling silver dollars, with the artwork repainted in day-glo colors to maximize the inspiriation! (Yeah, that's a great idea. You know, we should repaint Lincoln's statue in the Lincoln Memorial, too. Things are so much better in color, right?) And in every Wal-Mart and grocery store, red, white and blue flags, banners, balloons, ribbons, yard signs, bumper stickers, license plates, pens, lighters, candy, anything which can capitalize on the surge of nationalism which came after the 9.11 disaster.

Personally, I find some of this stuff tacky. It's one thing to hang a flag at your front door- simple, tasteful, appropriate. It's another to festoon your mini-van with bunting and write "God Bless America!" and "United We Stand!" in red, white, and blue letters all over the back windshield. Patriotism is about words and deeds, not waving flags. But the mass marketers rushed the goods out to the stores, and now anyone can be a "patriot" for a few bucks. The scary thing to me, is it's not just in the USA.

Now, I go along with St. Elfman who once sung, "There's nothing wrong with capitalism." I don't think there is. The problem, rather, is how America has become more than a capitalistic society, but a consumerist society. That is, a society that believe all ideas, objects, and even people are things which can be commodified and sold, and places great importance in the buying and selling of these commodities. Everything is for sale, and it's a seller's market. We already sell love, sex, self-esteem, personal values, religion, faith, belonging, community, and body image, why not sell patriotism, too?

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, why don't you click the "Buy Stuff" button to your left, there, and see what kind of keen Telesis merchandise we have for sale.

2001-10-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

Now, I freely admit that sometimes I can be a misanthrope. On good days, a curmudgeon. But I guess that in my heart of hearts I still have faith that one day human beings will really stop being cabbages or something. Which is why I still feel betrayed when I get these stupid internet get-rich-quick emails:

THANK'S TO THE COMPUTER AGE AND THE INTERNET !
==================================================
BE AN INTERNET MILLIONAIRE LIKE OTHERS WITHIN A YEAR!!!

Before you say ''Bull'', please read the following. This is the letter you have been hearing about on the news lately. Due to the popularity of this letter on the Internet, a national weekly news program recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of this program described below, to see if it really can make people money. The show also investigated whether or not the program was legal.

Their findings proved once and for all that there are ''absolutely NO Laws prohibiting the participation in the program and if people can "follow the simple instruction" they are bound to make some mega bucks with only $25 out of pocket cost''.

DUE TO THE RECENT INCREASE OF POPULARITY & RESPECT THIS PROGRAM HAS ATTAINED, IT IS CURRENTLY WORKING BETTER THAN EVER.
...
FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTION BELOW AND
YOUR FINANCIAL DREAMS WILL COME TRUE, GUARANTEED!

INSTRUCTIONS:

=====Order all 5 reports shown on the list below =====

For each report, send $5 CASH, THE NAME & NUMBER OF THE REPORT YOU ARE ORDERING and YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS to the person whose name appears ON THAT LIST next to the report. MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE TOP LEFT CORNER in case of any mail problems.

Etc. etc. You don't need to read the whole thing, it should all look pretty familiar to you. It's one of those schemes where you send five bucks to the people on the list, and then add your name to the list, and send out multiple copies to other folks, in hopes that THEY will send you $5.00, etc. etc. I really hope that people aren't falling for this, but you never know. Just when I get my hopes up, they become dashed by the vastness of human stupidity.

Anyway, I figure we could do something useful with this. There are 5 addresses at the bottom of the email. I figure we could send them something interesting, some Abnormail (as Prince Mu-Chao likes to call it) to make their days more weird. Nothing threatening or illegal, of course, and no white powder, you sickos. I don't know if they're valid addresses or not, but I figure if they're gonna spam Hotmail with their addresses, they should be prepared for strange responses. Anyway, here they are:

M.L. Frayser
P.O. Box 61432
Fort Myers, FL 33906

Stone Evans
600 N. Pearl, Suite G103
Dallas, TX 75201

Maxime Laurent
616 Sainte Famille
Boucherville, Quebec, J4B 4A6
Canada

Diana Cooper
1074 Crosswind Ct.
San Jose, CA 95120

Craig Wuthrich
2390 Falls Ave E
Twin Falls, ID 83301

2001-10-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Seems we've been given props. The nice folks over at Culture Pimp have made a link to us here at Telesis, so, I figure I'd point you their direction. You may know Beatus Ffungo of Cabaret Discordia? He's involved over at Culture Pimp, so you know it's good stuff. The Cabaret looks good, too, been changed around since the last time I visited. Unfortunately, this entry will vanish into the archives before too long, so I may have to make a little perma-link kind of thing for places that are really cool.

While I'm plugging, let me point people once more to Discord Aggregate. I just got their Texture of the Sky CD and it's Good Thing.

Here's a question for you: What's the coolest/hippest/most useful/strange/actualizing site on the web? Email me your suggestions.

2001-10-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, now, everyone's worried about Anthrax. I guess I would be, too, a little, especially if I lived in a Major American City. Fortunately, the Pineal Research Lab is actually built in a concrete bunker buried under a quarter mile of granite bedrock in an unnamed mountain range a good bit offshore from all this mess. The Telesis offices are located in an office park in the Wallis and Futuna Islands, and though we got a little jumpy when the tabloids and media started getting the Anthrax letters, we figure terrorists would be too lazy to pay the Air Mail to get to us.

Anyway, about Anthrax, I never really considered them much of a threat, before. I've never been one for hair metal, nor do I tend to use words like "rokken" and "dude". They just seemed like harmless folks to me, who enjoyed strangling their guitars and leering. But apparantly, they are. So, let this be a lesson to you. Tipper Gore was right, music is evil and can cause panic, destruction, and the collapse of civilization as we know it. Just check out Anthrax's website.

2001-10-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

What is the sound of one eye opening?

What is the image of one eye opening?

What is the feel of one eye opening?

What is the scent of one eye opening?

What is the taste of one eye opening?

What about two eyes?

What about three?

2001-10-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

Just a quick pointer. I got a nice email from ~k about Telesis a while back, and neglected to point her her site, which is very keen, and has latin and stuff in it. Check it out.

2001-10-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

I love mail like this:

Hello,

I visited telesis.blogspot.com and I noticed that you are not listed on some search engines. I am sure you can increase the number of people who visit telesis.blogspot.com . Do you know TrafficMagnet? TrafficMagnet is a unique technology that instantly submits your web site to over 300,000+ search engines and directories every month. This is a very low-cost and effective way of advertising your site.

To check our prices and submit telesis.blogspot.com to 300,000+ search engines, go to TrafficMagnet.net

I would love to hear from you.

Best Regards,
Christine Hall
Sales & Marketing
www.TrafficMagnet.net

So, naturally, I sent this reply back:

Dear Ms. Christine Hall,

Just wanted to say "thanks!" for taking the time to visit my site. I was wondering, since you stopped by and had a look, what did you think? I love getting feedback from my readers, and wondered if what I had written had touched you in any way? Did you have anything you wanted to comment on, specifically?

Since you read over the site, you understand that I'm not doing this thing for profit. That's really nice of you to offer the services of your company for someone like me, knowing that I couldn't possibly pay for them. It speaks to the generosity of your heart that you'd be willing to consider furthering our cause for free. I'm going to tell everyone how wonderful you and your company is, and even nominate you for sainthood! (smile)

Do write me back and let me know!

With kindest regards and flax,
Lord Falgan, FM, KSC

The love and support of the world for Discordianism is really underrated.

2001-10-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

"Son, I am able,"
she said,
"though you scare me."
"Watch." said I.
"Beloved,"
I said, "Watch
me scare you, though."
Said she,
"Able am I, son."

-- They Might Be Giants - I Palindrome I

2001-10-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

Well, now, I've been avoiding this column for almost another two weeks.

The truth is, I haven't felt inspired by Eris in the past couple of weeks. I think the attack on the WTC and Pentagon have affected me more than I initially expected it would. Or maybe I'm just going through a bad patch or something. The muse comes and goes.

But I've been telling my friends that "If we give up or become afraid, they win." One thing I can't stand is a hypocrite, and especially if it's me. So... time to move on. Here's something I wrote which seems to work:

A Discordian Blessing
Eris bring peace when you need it
Strife when you don't
Know that which you will
Probably won't
Though Order and Chaos
Change every day
Know that in the end
It works out okay.

2001-09-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

Okay. It's been a week since the attack on the WTC and the Pentagon. Like everyone else, I've been in shock, kind of numb, feeling uncertain about what to do or say. There have been times when I've felt angry, many more times when I've felt sad. I thought that if I were to just sit back from here for a week, eventually I would know what it is I wanted to say. I still don't think I know.

I watched as Chaos, Discord, and Confusion erupted in NYC and DC. I watched as destruction was brought to two bastions of Bureaucracy, and we are still dealing with the Aftermath. You would think Eris would be pleased.

But that's the wrong trip. Again and again I've pointed out, here, that the great war is not Order vs. Chaos, but rather, Creative vs. Destructive. What happened last week is a great example of Destructive Disorder, of the worst kind. And don't be thinking the terrorists who did this are models of anti-establishment and agents of Chaos. They are servants of a very Ordered plan. Under the guise of religion (ouch), a few people are so into their own trip, they are willing to take extreme measures to ensure they continue to remain in power. This is not about a "holy war". That's just spin and whitewash for the masses. Convince someone that god is on your side, and they'll follow you to the depths of their faith. No, this war is what all wars are about: power. It's about a small group of people who want to own a piece of land, control the people who live there, and get rich off of them.

I don't think Eris would be pleased about what happened last week. I don't know that She would be outraged, either. Remember the "Sermon on Ethics and Love" from the Principia Discordia:

One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said YES?

"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"

WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON'T SOUND WELL.

"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe."

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

"But nobody Wants it! Everybody hates it."

OH. WELL, THEN STOP.

At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.

Like the Polyfather before us, we, too, are left stranded alone with our species. There is no powerful force of Good riding to our rescue, nor is there a force of Evil who is wringing his hands, twirling his mustache, and laughing like a Republic serial villain at what he wrought. There's just us. We did this. We get to deal with this, alone.

Some people would find that depressing. Not me. I think that when you realize that the world is yours to shape and mold, to make the most out of, and to try to make sense of... then you realize how cool life really is. Let's step up to the plate, here. Let's collectively recognize our responsibilites as the Confused little children that we are, and try to fix things ourselves.

2001-09-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

2001-09-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

Some things in the world astonish me. Look at this article. It describes how, after a rash of suicides and attempted suicides in Calcutta train stations (people are throwing themselves in front of trains), the city has decided to take decisive action to put a stop to them: They're going to play soothing music in the train stations.

It's baffling to me how people figure out solutions to problems. What is the thought process, here? "People are throwing themselves in front of trains!" "Why do you think that is?" "Well, they must be stressed out about something." "Stress, huh. Hey, when I'm stressed, I like to listen to soothing music!" "What a great idea!"

The bureaucratic mindset is so entrenched in order, that it fails to think in larger, more chaotic, ways. It sees Y as the cause of Z, thus tries to cure Y. Yet it doesn't think that Y might be caused by X. Or that maybe A, B, G, and Q when connected with N and L (which is especially bad this time of year) make X even worse.

Maybe it's just me, but maybe these people are killing themselves because of overcrowding, terrible poverty, disease, and hunger. If you don't have a place to live, you have dysentary, no job, and no food... is a little light music going to provide you the will to live? Come on, people. Get with the program.

2001-09-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

Mail call. Here's a letter:

Dear Telesis,
I'm really into meditation. I find it helps me focus my mind and spirit and helps to expand my consciousness. I also am really interested in Discordianism! Are there any Discordian meditation techniques or mantras you can share?
Thank you,
Hollie M. Melville

Yes, Hollie, the primus or 'classic' Discordian meditation technique was created by Hung Mung many centuries ago after the apostle slipped in the bathtub and hit his head on Saturday afternoon. It has been passed down from cabal to cabal and now is a very popular technique for meditating on Eris, Her Truths, Her Will, and Her Booty. I'll share the technique.

Begin by finding a place to meditate. This can be anywhere, but works best when you are in a crowded, noisy place. It is important that you learn to be able to close off your conscious mind from external distractions. Subway platforms, busy sidewalks, public parks, county fairs, etc. are all viable.
Sit on the ground with your legs crossed. Be sure to wear either loose, comfortable clothing or, as Hung Mung himself did, nothing at all. Place your fingers in your ears, and squeeze your eyes closed.
Begin by rocking your torso back and forth, while breathing deeply. Eventually, you will want to move your torso in a circle, to mimic the spinning of the Sacred Chao.
In a loud voice, intone this mantra: Oh wah tey foo lye ahm. Repeat this mantra while focusing on your breathing and your rocking about. Ignore everything going on around you.
Continue this meditation until you understand the meaning of the mantra. Then you will be enlighted.

2001-09-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

Another odd observation. You all know the cartoon Pinky & the Brain. Well, if you know the lyrics to their theme, it says that "One is a genius, and the other's insane."

Well... let's see. Brain is a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur. That must mean Pinky is the genius. Poit.

2001-08-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

Many of you are familiar with the old SubGenius* gag about Bob and the expression "Jesus is Our Hope." Basically, there were these flyers everywhere that said "Jesus is Our Hope" on them, and the SubGenii made stickers in similar typeface and size that said "Bob" and stuck them creatively on the flyers. Thus, they came to read, "Bob is Our Hope," and "Jesus is Our Bob." and "Jesus is Bob Hope."

Well, today, I saw a sticker which said "Jesus is life." And I started thinking about an old Coca-Cola ad slogan and thus...

If Jesus Is Life, and Coke Adds Life, then
Coke Adds Jesus.

* The presence and mention of the SubGenius Organization in this document does not imply approval of its editors, advertisers, or readers with SubGenius doctrine, and none should be inferred.

2001-08-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

Check out the Van Gogh-Goghs website for some fairly funny stuff. In particular, take a look at Way to Creep Out your Co-workers which seems nicely Discordian. They're also the creators of Furniture Porn.

2001-08-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

I'm so very happy I am able to contact you.
My name is Cleo, and I am a Master Tarot Psychic. I had an exciting dream last night that could affect the rest of your life!

In my dream, I saw how people are incredibly gullible. I saw how people are also looking so hard outside of themselves for easy answers and quick advice that this gullibility can become even more pronounced. I found that people are so willing to believe in myth and legend as Truth, rather than simply instructional stories. I saw all these things, and realized one thing: I can make a killing.

It's really quite simple. You take a bunch of really old cards and tell people they have mystic powers. You also give yourself a title like "Shaman" and "Psychic" and claim to be able to see the future, or talk to dead people. You then use the cards and a bunch of old grifters tricks to tell people what they want to hear, nothing more, nothing less. And they will pay you to do this. If you get really good, you can get rid of the cards.

Pretty soon, if you are a good actor and have practiced your routine, you can make enough money to get your own TV show or a whole 900 number call center, and train other people to do what you do, and make even more money. Convince enough people that what you're doing is right and True, and you can start your own religion, like Christianity or Wicca, move into the mainstream and really rake in the dough.

I share this dream with you, Lord, because I know you want a piece of the action. And the truth of the matter is that it's so very easy to do. People are so hungry for Truth, easy Truth, they'll do the work for you. So, follow my advice. Consider this your free reading.

2001-08-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

One of the nice things about having a Holy Name is that it causes confusion, and often, humor. A lot of people ask me what I'm "Lord" of, since my name is Lord Falgan. I have to explain to them that Lord is not a title, but my name. My first name.

Of course, computers don't understand the implied title in the name Lord, so when you fill out little computer surveys and the like, it takes whatever you choose to give it without question. This is a nice switch, for once, having my first name read as a first name. But of course, there are implied humorous outcomes to all this.

For instance, I got this little email the other day:

Lord, if you deserve a vacation, read this...

Get 2 FREE airline tickets & 2 FREE hotel nights!

Wow - No Kidding!

Request a FREE 30-day trial membership to the Preferred Traveller Club - a service that will save you money if you travel a lot or just once a year.

Even if you don't take advantage of the savings offered to members, you still get to keep the free airline tickets!

Get the free airline tickets, free hotel nights and free trial membership -- what could be better?

CLICK HERE and get ready to pack. You deserve a vacation, don't you?

And then of course there's always these:

Falgan Family Reunion?

Enter the AT&T Family Reunion Sweepstakes today for your family's chance to win:

Sponsorship of a weekend of special family reunion events anywhere in the continental U.S.*

Catering for two family meals

Facilities for one family meeting

Guided tour of local attractions

Accommodations for up to 100 family members

Personalized t-shirts for up to 100 family members

Approximate value: $20,000!

Somehow, I don't think all 100 Falgans would get together in the same place. It would probably cause some sort of terrible, terrible accident, and affect the credit rating of people within miles of the event.

2001-08-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

There *is* a goddess, and her name is Eris! Raise your voices and sing rock anthems to the stars, dance and frolic naked in the fields! And if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with! For unto us this day joyous news!

Jesse Helms is retiring!

2001-08-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

"GO!" said the Enchantress, "And seek ye the one known as Clint. But be warned: His medicine is potent. Few have entered his cave and even less have returned. So take with you this talisman." She plucked it from her ample chest and thrust into his sweaty palm a tiny upright mexican bean.

He pocketed it and crawled across the mountains for twenty-eight days. When his labours were finished, he fumbled for the bean, but could find it no more. He crawled back another twenty-seven and a half days to where he'd come from and saw the Enchantress standing bemused by a series of petrol pumps.

"You forgot the bean, didn't you?" said the Enchantress.

But he was unable to speak. His tongue, swollen and parched with his labours over the crucifying desert, had grown so pulpy in his mouth it was as if he had two sausages and a severe dental case and couldn't speak at all.

"Seek ye the one known as Clint, but be warned: Few have entered his cave and even fewer returned. Take with you this talisman, one small Mexican bean. And remember, go."

For twenty-eight days he crossed the desert, his eyes glistening with the parched waters of love, his mouth snarling for the occasional plant and jackrabbit that danced entrant the uterine thing of his part. Nobody could stop him now. Seek ye the one known as... Leo? Jeff? Dennis?

For twenty-seven days he crawled back across the desert, his tongue so swollen with pain he could barely lick the occasional spike from the cactus to bring him the deeply needed nutrition from way below the ground. Eventually he crawled over the ridge and there, standing on the petrol pumps, was the Enchantress.

"Forgot his name, didn't you?"

He was unable to speak.

"Go! Seek ye the one known as Clint, but remember: Few have entered his cave and even fewer returned. Take you this... take you this... prawn? Onion? Bicycle cap?"

Now they were really stuck.

Which just goes to show that love is the distance between reality and pain.
-- St. Robyn Hitchcock

2001-08-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

Well, we had a few entries for my analogy contest. I'll print the ones I have so far. It's not too late to submit more, just send them to me. The contest is to complete the following analogy by filling in the blanks: If time flies like an arrow, then ________ flies like a bullet, because ________. Here's the few we've had so far:

If time flies like an arrow, then Blaxploitation flies like a bullet.
Beacause shut your motherfucking honkey mouth! Damn straight. - Reverend Myriad Samurai Fenderson-Bavaria, Yatara Cabal

If time flies like an arrow, then Phil flies like a bullet. Because Phil fills in the blanks. - Pope Ginger Ails

If time flies like an arrow, then thought flies like a bullet. Because the mind lies outside of time, it is not bound by it and can accomplish much more in an instant than anything else can in an eternity. - Prince Mu-Chao

If time flies like an arrow, then Superman flies like a bullet. Because of his Kryptonic elements, sometimes he even flies faster than a bullet, but this is only at the beginning of the show, when he is also as powerful as a speeding locomotive. - Prince Mu-Chao

If time flies like an arrow, then a blank flies like a bullet because it is a blank. - Prince Mu-Chao

Thanks for the entries. Send in some of your own!

2001-08-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

There was a post on alt.discordia today that caught my attention. Here it is, edited slightly, from FitzDraco:

They say that confession is good for the soul so here goes. Despite the fact that I call myself Discordian I am very aneristic. I love new ideas but I can not produce them. (snip) I need help an ideas on how to become more eristic, so that I may aspire to be more then a head of lettuce.

So, this reply is for FitzDraco and anyone who feels like he/she does.

First, let me make a distinction here that the generation of new ideas (creation/creativity) has nothing to do with being eristic (chaotic) or aneristic (orderly). This is in the Principia Discordia, in the chapter on The Curse of Greyface and Negativism, and was illustrated in the chart, thusly:

You'll see from the chart that Order and Chaos are actually two sides of the same coin. Like in the Sacred Chao, you must have a balance of the two. What is really at odds here is not Order vs. Chaos, but Creative vs. Destructive. Now, it's true, there's a lot more Order in the world than Chaos, which is why we Discordians focus so much on the Chaos aspect of things. However, becoming more Eristic will not make you more Creative.

The Curse of Greyface is fear. This is why we have such a hard time freeing the Creativity in us. Creativity is a process that uses both order and chaos. Seething within all of our imaginations is a vast array of ideas and experiences, random thoughts, dirty words, colors and sounds, heresies, and poetry. Everyone has it. Yes, everyone. When we are children, this is obvious. Children are incredibly spontaneous creatures, and have fantastic imaginations. Yet, over the years, we are taught to censor that spontenaity in order to exist in a polite society. "Don't talk with your mouth full." "Don't talk about that in public." "Don't use words like that." "Don't touch THAT!" Now, I think these rules are sometimes necessary, else we'd all be wandering around shouting obsecenties and being annoying as hell and that would be rather unpleasant. But the problem is that this censor gets in the way when we try to be creative. We worry about what people will think or say, and we reject ideas out of hand before we really explore them. It is this fear, fear of judgement, fear of failure, fear of retribution, that keeps us chained. This censor actually helps out when it comes to being Destructive. This is the Curse of Greyface.

My brother/sister, if you want to be more creative, you have to become fearless. You have to be willing to take risks, and you have to be willing to dare to fail. Finding balance within the Chao means 1) recognizing you have a censor, and 2) learning how to turn it off and on when you want to. I hope this helps.

2001-08-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things get lost in the translation. I understand this. It's part of using a chaotic system known as 'language' to encode and decode the ideas in our heads. Sometimes, this can be really funny. For instance, check out Engrish, which a collection of badly translated Japanese phrases which appear on signs and on products. There's always the classic "All your base are belong to us." Here's another example that I got sent to me. It's a form-letter, probably spammed to all Hotmail boxes, from a Chinese company. I've edited it a bit for space reasons, but left in the good stuff:

RONGCHENG BEST CHEER GRANITE CO., LTD

Welcome to our Company- Shandong Rongcheng Best Cheer Granite Co.,Ltd . Seeing
for oneself is better than hearing from others.

Our company is raw material base of stone manufacturer, sources backer of tone trader, honest supplier of stone customers. We hope we could exchange information, promote friendship and be ever-lasting cooperative partner through the E-mail.

Our company is situated in the eastern part of Shandong Province---Rongcheng, P. R. China where is surrounded by sea at three sides with convenient sea-land-air transport. Rongcheng is a beautiful and richly endowed place and regarded as excellent city for journey. Korea and Japan are close neighbors separated by only a strip of water or sea.

Our company was established in 1984, which has developed into large-scale special granite base with 5 series: such as red, pink, white, black and gray with 5 quarries on its own where were chosen as stones by the State.

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Our main products: raw block, gangsaw slab, disc slab, tile, cut-to-size, column, hexagon stone for square, and other irregular stone products, etc.. You can choose any color stone and shape referring to your interests.

Honestly welcome stone trader, stone manufacturer and persons dealing in stone decoration to cooperate with us. We will serve you by our first quality, stable price, good reputation and mutual benefits. Every company hopes the international buyer could understand their products and products could really attract them. We trust you must have exceptional sight and brilliant choice ----To Rongcheng Best Cheer Granite Co., Ltd. Our cooperation will make your career shining again.

We are looking forward to your early inquiry and cooperation.
Best regards,
Yours sincerely,

For more details, please contact with:
Nancy Ni
Website: www.zhongleistone.com
E-mail: 3786@zhongleistone.com zhl-tech@zhongleistone.com
Office direct Tel.: 86 631 7573294/7573997 7502528-8012
Office direct Fax: 86 631 7573294/7502386
Mobile Phone: 13508918467

I still am not quite sure what the hell these people want from me. Investment? Do they want to sell me stone? Have I been hired? Furthermore, why would a stone company mass-mail all Hotmail users? There has to be some deep secret meaning in this. One thing's for certain- never take translations and language for granite, or you might loose your marbles. *rimshot* Thank yew, thank yew, I'll be here all week. Next show is at 11, be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses...

2001-08-11T22:39:00.000-07:00

Why is Chaos so cool? Because it encompasses Order within it. For instance, flip a coin. It has a 50/50 chance of turning up heads. Flip it again. It has the same chance. Now, you might think that if you flip it heads 20 times, it HAS to come up tails on 21. But no matter how many times it comes up heads, it's ALWAYS just a 50/50 chance. That's how randomness works. Sometimes there are patterns of order within the chaos, but it's still random. If it were spread out evenly, it wouldn't be random.

Why is Order so cool? Because it encompasses Chaos within it. For instance, flip a coin. It has a 50/50 chance of turning up heads. Flip it again. It has the same chance. Now, you might think that if you flip it 20 times and it alternates between heads and tails with no apparant pattern, it HAS to come up with a pattern of 4 or 5 or something soon. But no matter how many times it alternates, it's ALWAYS just a 50/50 chance. That's how randomness works. Sometimes there are patterns of chaos within the order, but it's still random. If it were spread out evenly, it wouldn't be random.

2001-08-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

Do you like golf? I don't. I suppose to be fair, I should mention I've only played 3 times in my life, and all 3 times I wasn't too impressed. What is golf, anyway? It's a game where you hit a ball across a field and try to get it into a tiny little hole on the other side of the field, and do it in as few hits as possible. I dunno, who thought this would be fun? Maybe it's an excuse to get outdoors and drink beer or martinis. Let me clarify- golf certainly takes a good amount of skill. I know when I played I was lucky to hit the ball at all, let along keep in in bounds. And it also takes a good bit of money, what with greens fees, clubs, lessons, six-packs and gin. So, while I don't begrudge golfers their skills, and agree that it's a challenge, I personally don't find it fun. It seems like a very Greyface kind of game.

Now, you know what I do like? Mini-golf! That's right, an obstacle course for golf balls! Now, here is a game that is fun. Why do I think Mini-golf is superior to regular golf: 1) It's cheaper. A lot. Without the cost of clubs, caddies, cart rentals, etc. you can buy a lot more beer and gin. 2) The courses. Mini-golf courses, and I mean the good ones here, are a delight to the senses as well as fun to play on. Windmills, lighthouses, chutes and ladders, motorized gates, blind tunnels- it's like a little adventure in 18 holes! 3) Winning. Nobody cares if it takes you 2 strokes or 20 to get the ball in the cup. This is not Tiger Woods stuff here, nothing's riding on the game. So bean that sucker! See how many times you can get it to bounce off the rails! Go for that finesse shot through the sawmill, down along the log flume and between the plastic trees into the cup. Think philosophically about the nature of ball-ness, and how Mini-golf is a metaphor for life itself, navagating obstacles, trying to reach a goal, only when you reach it to be plucked up and set on a new path. That is, until that last hole, where the ball goes into the dark, dark chute, never to be seen again.

Mini-golf, to me, is a very Discordian game. It is therefore appropriate that any Mini-golf course be a place for Discordian rituals and worship. After all, it is holey ground.

2001-08-07T18:50:00.000-07:00

A couple of quick updates, today. Prince Mu-Chao of Castle Chaos has finally taken the apple by the stem and started a new webring for active Discordian sites. Called the Erisian Ring of Integral Spokes, it's a much needed way for those Discordian sites that have original content and are semi-regularly updated to get connected with one another. PMC is being picky about members of the ring, and I think that's a good thing. There are a bazillion Discordian websites that are just the same old textfiles and quotes from the Principia. The E.R.I.S. (clever, eh?) is only for sites that are active and generating new stuff. I'm proud and grateful to be a member. Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, here, to check out the Navigation Bar.

Also, I've been getting some good entries for the analogy contest, below. If you haven't yet, mail some in. I'll get a few more in and pick the best ones to be reprinted here. Someone in alt.discordia reminded me of the Groucho Marx quotation, "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." Very true. But do your bananas levitate?

2001-08-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

If you're stuck for a career choice, there's always professional rat killer. And no I don't mean becoming an Orkin man. This article, about a rat-killing competition in Gabon, caught my attention because it seems to point out one of the fundamental problems with human thinking: we tend to attack symptoms, not causes.

The rats of Libreville are a health hazard and public nuisance. Sure, I'll buy that. So, the solution is to kill the rats. Why? The reason there are rats in the first place could be one of two things: 1) They built Libreville in a rat breeding ground, in which case they were morons, or 2) The conditions in Libreville attract rats and allow them to breed. Personally, I'm betting it's #2. So, sure, nerve gas the whole damn sewers. It won't matter. The rats will come back. Until you change the conditions that allow the rats to thrive there in the first place (garbage for food, tunnels and sewers to hide in, etc.) the rats won't ever go away until you exterminate them everywhere in the whole continent.

There have been a lot of shark attacks in the news lately. People are getting all alarmist about how sharks are appearing in places they didn't used to, and that the number of shark attacks is abnormal. Well, of course it's abnormal! We're overfishing the oceans and polluting them to boot, which means less food for the sharks, so they have to expand both their territory and diet.

We do it in medicine, too. You get a sniffle, you take a drug that dries up your mucus. You get a fever? You get something to lower the fever. You got an ache? We give you something to block the pain. But what about fixing what causes these things in the first place? Sometimes, yes, we can. Sometimes we can't, and sometimes we just don't.

I think this sort of points out a trend in human thinking. At least, Western thinking, anyway. We are so into getting results fast, that we take the quick route to ending whatever problems face us. Typically, this means attacking things which really aren't the true problem. As is always the case, the path to the best solution is usually the most difficult, and we like the easy path. So, get your rat-traps and your .22, and head to Gabon. The easy path usually pays better, too.

2001-08-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sort of thought of as the "Stick In the Mud" of Discordianism, I guess. I don't have a problem with that. It's just that there's a lot of things that people do in the name of Discordianism which I don't think has anything to do with Discordianism at all. Recreational drugs, for instance- I wrote about that in an earlier entry of Telesis. I won't go into it again here, just that I don't agree with people who use Discordianism as an excuse to get high.

Well, there's something else I've noticed of late which is popular among many Discordians, and that is Christian Baiting. That is, the deliberate jaking or messing with Christian organizations. No, I'm not a big fan of doing that, either.

"But Falgan!" I hear you say, "Earlier in Telesis you wrote about how to deal with door-to-door missionaries and messing with them!" Yes, I did. But you see, if someone wants to bring their trip to me, then I figure they are asking for my trip back on them. But what I'm talking about is going out after Christian organizations and drawing first blood, so to speak.

Now, many people have issues with many Christian sects. Many Discordians come from Christianity, and for many folks, it was an unpleasant experience. I understand this. I also understand that many Christian sects are pretty nasty into the whole Order trip, and are militant about the spreading of this Order. I know also that many people blame the Christian church for all the evils of the world. But if there is evil in this world, it's not because of any Church, it's just human nature.

To the people who go after Christians specifically- would you do the same jakes to a Buddhist temple? A Synagog? A Mosque? Would you send weird mail to B'nai B'rith? How about Satanists? Subgenii? My point is this: all religions are equally silly. By singling out one particular one, you're just being mean-spirited. Everyone is entitled to delude themselves equally.

If you're going to jake religions, be an equal-opportunity offender. Personally, I think the bigger dangers lie in our secular orders and in our national cultural institutions, like television and puritanism. I prefer to fight my fights against them, and let people fret about Truth their own ways.

2001-08-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

A small contest. Please complete the following analogy and blanks:

If time flies like an arrow, then __________ flies like a bullet. Beacause __________.

Because I want to know. Best stuff gets printed here. Mail it to me here.

2001-07-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

Now this is just a Bad Idea. Not because I want there to be corruption and misuse of tax money in the Pentagon- there will be no matter what. But you're asking Congress, an entrenched agency of Bureaucracy is going to check up on an entrenched agency of Aftermath. This makes for bad Ju-Ju. Believe me, nothing good will come of this.

If they really want to make a difference, they need to send in an agency that has no connection. Like the USDA. Or the US Fish & Wildlife Services. Or the Federal Highway Administration. Just some organzation that would have little to no clue. That way, it's still two big bureaucracies slamming into each other, but this way it'll be tempered by some innate confusion. And if we're lucky, the Pentagon would end up as a new cloverleaf for D.C.

2001-07-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Ouch. 5 days off. Well, at least it was five.

The reason I have been so busy of late, and thus why there have been few updates of Telesis for a couple of weeks is really none of your damn business, thank you very much. How rude of you to ask. However, I will say that it involved a good deal of my creative energies. While I think the drain on my time certainly played a part in my inability to update Telesis, I think it was also due to a drain on my creativity.

This is an interesting idea, I think. There are two theories at work here. Now, we as Discordians understand that the Game of Life is not about Order vs. Chaos. Order and Chaos are two sides of the same coin, or better, two halves of the Sacred Chao. Thus, they are the same. The Game of Life is instead played with Creative vs. Destructive forces. So when we act, we tend to act in Creative ways or Destructive ways.

Now, my first theory is this: Creative energy (and Destructive, too, but that's for another conversation) is a limited resource within each person. As it is used up, eventually, it becomes less and less possible to perform more creative acts. If it is completely spent, then the user can't really do much else creatively. It can be recharged by sleep, dreams, and exposure to other creative works made by other people (a good movie, a fun computer game, a nice novel, etc. No TV, though.) This is one explanation of what happened to me- I ran on Creative empty, and so my other projects, Telesis being one, faltered.

The other theory I have about this is that there really is no limit to the Creative (and Destructive, too, but that's for another conversation) energies within the human psyche/soul/sandwich. There is only the limit of the conscious mind and the fatigue of the body, and if those two can somehow be propped up or regulated, then limitless or near-limitless Creative energy can be tapped inside everyone.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me how?

2001-07-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

The Doctrine of Fancy

The Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium is proud to now offer a new title for members of the world. It is the designation "Fancy" and can be assumed by anyone who completes the short ritual outlined below.

The title of Fancy indicates the owner is aware of his or her volatile oils, and by this awareness has set themselves apart from the rest of the non-Fancy world, in accordance with the McCormick Doctrine. They should be treated accordingly. The "Fancy" title can be abbreviated "Fcy." It can be prepended or postpended to your holy name, and may be combined with other title designations as in the following examples:
The Fancy Lord Falgan
Fancy Lord Falgan
Lord Falgan, Fancy
Fcy. Lord Falgan, KSC
Lord Falgan, KSC, Fcy.

To obtain the title of Fancy, simply complete the following ritual:
The Leader (Episkopos, Cabal Poobah, family goldfish) intones, "There's SOMEONE around here who just isn't FANCY!"
The Crowd (everyone else except the Leader and the Mundane (non-Fancy person) express dismay and alarm.
The Mundane waves their hand around. "It's me! It's me! O woe O woe It's me!"
The Leader intones, "Do you want to be FANCY?"
The Mundane answers, "I do!"
The Leader intones, "Are you aware of your VOLATILE OILS?"
The Mundane replies, "Huh?"
The Leader intones, "Have you come from the place you've come from?"
The Mundane replies, "Sure!"
The Leader then shouts, "Then take the oath!"
The Crowd begins to chant, "Fan-cy! Fan-cy! Fan-cy!"
The Mundane places five caraway seeds in the palm of her or his hand, and makes a fist, and holds it aloft.
The Mundane speaks, "Umbelliferae! Mertaceae! Labiatae! Upon these seeds do I swear, that I will always be aware of my volatile oils! That I will relish them and revel in them! That I will respect them and revere them! And that I will rule over them! And I always promise that no matter where I go, I will always come from the place that I came from! So there!"
The Mundane swallows the seeds.
The Crowd goes nuts with their approval.
The Leader intones, "Damn, but now you are FANCY!"
The ceremony concludes in the usual manner.

2001-07-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Perspective. Think of the greatest thing that's ever happened to you. Now think of the worst.

Now, think back on your childhood. What stuff do you remember? Chances are you don't remember a lot of the bad stuff, but you do remember the good stuff. You probably don't remember doodling on the wall with your crayons or breaking old man MacAllister's window with your softball, but you do remember Disneyworld and grandma's fresh-baked bread.

There are bad things that happen to us in our lives. Many people dwell on them. They make it a point to fixate on the bad stuff so that it overwhelms the good. These are people who may have had a decent day, but they miss the bus and suddenly the whole day becomes a "bad one". The truth is the bad stuff that happens to people usually gets forgotten, or at least fades, and the good stuff remains and overshadows. And seriously, next time you do something really bad or screw up or something awful happens, ask yourself if anyone will care in 100 years.

It's important that you keep these things in perspective. Like Andy Dufresne said, you either get busy living or get busy dying.

2001-07-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

I have been really really really really really busy folks, so I'm sorry there have been sporatic updates here. This is what happens when you have Vibes ripple back after a prolonged incantation- it makes you so your Pineal Gland doesn't squirt right anymore.

Still, I can share this with you. It's from St. Robyn Hitchcock:

ANTWOMAN

Being just contaminates the void
Being just contaminates the void

I remember, some years back, a punky reggae party
And a girl who measured your neck
Oh I dream of antwoman
With her Audrey Hepburn feelers
And her black and white stripes
I know my type and she's out there
I know my type and she's out there
With the cactus and the succulent
Oh she rises and she hops and then she eats you
Then she eats you
I ain't gonna argue with a dame like that

See the birds
Scattered on your dressing gown
See the dark seeds
See the dark barristers gliding away
Gotta do lunch before you get down
To some real judging
Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord
Alright for you and you only

Being just contaminates the void
Being just contaminates the void
I remember a punky reggae party
And a girl who measured your neck
Oh I dream of antwoman
With her Audrey Hepburn feelers
And her black and white stripes
In a southerly breeze
In a southerly breeze
In a southerly breeze

2001-07-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

I thought this page was interesting, if you haven't seen it yet, it and its hyperlinks. I'm not sure what its all about, but that's really not important.

Eris and I have been in conference calls all day about this "fancy" thing. I think there's some doctrine coming up. Watch this space.

2001-07-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

Well, McCormick wrote back. Here's their letter:

Dear Mr. Falgan:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest in our Caraway Seeds and welcome the opportunity to be of assistance to you.

When the spices and herbs come into our facilities they are graded. Only the very best with the highest volatile oil content goes into the Gourmet line of spices. Also the Gourmet spices also come from the countries where they originated.

We are sorry you did not hear from us previously, but we have no record of receiving an earlier e-mail.

If we can be of further assistance, please call us at 1-800-632-5847, Monday through Friday, 9:30AM to 5PM Eastern Time. If you wish to respond to this note by e-mail, please include your name and e-mail address. We hope to have the continued pleasure of serving you.

Sincerely,
Nancy Blackwell
Consumer Affairs Specialist

Ref # 192218

Sure, they didn't get the first letter, even though I got an automatic confirmation email that it had been sent. But, that's okay, I forgive them and absolve them of sin, just because I'm a nice guy and have been empowered to do so. Also, maybe you guys can explain this to me, but what does "Also the Gourmet spices also come from the countries where they originated." mean? Can something not come from the place it came from? I mean, that would be really cool if it could. Or couldn't. Or whatever.

But their secret is out! The key to becoming fancy is Volatile Oils! If you have a high volatile oil content, then you, too, can be considered fancy. Also known as essential oils, all you need to do is find some and then raise your personal content level of them. Rub them on your skin. Treat your hair with them. Flavor everything you cook with them. Do this, my son and/or daughter, and one day you will be given the title of "Fancy".

In fact, once you've done that, you can stick that on the end of your name as an earned title. Ex: Tugwet Hexwrench, Ph.D., KSC, Fancy. Maybe just abbreviate it to Fcy. Or make it a prefix title: Presenting the Fancy Gurglespit Lumperroom. Now you know the secret, at least.

2001-07-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

busi·ness
Pronunciation: 'biz-n&s, -n&z, Southern also 'bid-
Function: noun
Usage: often attributive
Date: 14th century
1 archaic : purposeful activity : BUSYNESS
2 a : ROLE, FUNCTION [how the human mind went about its business of learning -- H. A. Overstreet] b : an immediate task or objective : MISSION [what is your business here] c : a particular field of endeavor [the best in the business]
3 a : a usually commercial or mercantile activity engaged in as a means of livelihood : TRADE, LINE [in the restaurant business] b : a commercial or sometimes an industrial enterprise; also : such enterprises c : usually economic dealings : PATRONAGE [took their business elsewhere]
4 : AFFAIR, MATTER [the whole business got out of hand] [business as usual]
5 : CREATION, CONCOCTION
6 : movement or action (as lighting a cigarette) by an actor intended especially to establish atmosphere, reveal character, or explain a situation -- called also stage business
7 a : personal concern [none of your business] b : RIGHT [you have no business speaking to me that way]
8 a : serious activity requiring time and effort and usually the avoidance of distractions [got down to business] [she means business] b : maximum effort
9 a : a damaging assault b : REBUKE, TONGUE-LASHING c : DOUBLE CROSS
10 : a bowel movement -- used especially of pets
-- from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. Because I've been busy.

2001-07-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

Back on 6/29, in Greggory Peccary's calendar, I send the McCormick spice company an email requesting they explain the difference between ordinary caraway seeds, and their 'fancy' kind. Both regular and fancy caraway seeds are sold by McCormick, but the regular ones come in a short squat plastic bottle while the fancy kind are sold in a tall glass bottle. I can see no other difference between them. Pictures from their own website are here (not to scale). I know it's hard to read that first one, but it says "fancy" right above the words "caraway seed". Click on the pics to take you to the McCormick page for each. McCormick apparantly markets the "fancy" seeds as "gourmet"- they're in the gourmet section of their website, while the others are in their regular spice selection.

What's up with this? I dunno. But they were supposed to write me back in 5 days, and it's been much longer than that. So I wrote a follow up letter, wanting to know the difference, explaining my concern that I need to know if there's a difference between the fancy seeds and the mundane seeds, so I can be sure to get my recepies correct. There is a phone number to call, but I figure if you're going to promise to send an email, you should. If they don't respond this time, I say we jake them.

2001-07-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article in the The Mirror about some political race in Great Britain, and it made me think about elections. Now, I appreciated the irony in the article, about the inability for a political party vote to even determine who came in last. But ultimately, I think, elections are flawed.

The premise is that elections allow people to cast a vote (exercise power) for a candidate who supports their views and will champion their causes for them. This all sounds well and good, the "will of the people" being followed and so forth and so on. But it occurs to me that only the people motivated to run for a public office are the ones who are allowed to be voted for. Write-in candiates are possible in some elections, but even then, the person being written in has to either meet some criteria to run or could simply not accept being elected at all. So, what we end up with is people who WANT to be in power being in power. Why is this a good thing? If Machiavelli was right, that power corrupts, then if you put somoene who already *craves* power in office, you're in big trouble. Anyone who wants a public office badly enough to campaign for it shouldn't be allowed to have it.

I think that in a society that needs leaders (and face it, we do, at least, in large nations), the ideal means of putting someone in office is randomly. A very Discordian solution, I think, you simply put every name in the city, county, state, nation, etc. in an electronic "hat" and pick one out. That person is put in the office. It's compulsory, it's a fixed term of service, and once you've been appointed to it, you're excluded from all future lotteries for that position.

Okay, yes, you're going to pick some duds. But you're also going to pick some good ones- bright people with good ideas and level heads who wouldn't otherwise take on a leadership role. And if it's a power-hungry dictator-wanna-be, well, it's only one term, and it can't be a whole lot worse than what we already have. The system of checks and balances would remain, so that the randomly elected congress (USA metaphor, here) would still have to contend with the randomly elected president, and vice versa. I dunno. I think it would work. It would certainly make life a lot more interesting.

2001-07-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sure many of you have noticed this and maybe come to your own conclusion about this, but I think that the Limerick is the quintessential Discordian poetry form. It certainly obeys the Law of Fives, what with having five lines and all. And the rhyme scheme (A, A, B, B, A) makes a nice 23, too. (And it has ABBA in it!) For those of you who have been living under a shamrock for centuries, a Limerick is a form of poetry, often bawdy, with its origins in Ireland (thus the name, it supposedly came out of the city of Limerick). It has 5 lines, the first, second and last line all rhyming and usually consisting of 8 syllables of two triplets and a pair, while the third and fourth line rhyme with each other, usually with five syllables. The rhyme scheme of five lines is firm, but there's room in the syllables for doggeral and extras here and there. They must, however, have a nice, catchy rhythm. Here's an example by Tillmanator:

A pet store employee named Blair
Was missing a small patch of hair.
A tarantula crawled
To the spot that was bald
And nobody noticed it there!

There are six syllables in the 3rd and 4th lines, but that's okay, because the rhythm works, and the extra syllables are not stressed.'

I think this is a nicely Discordian poetry style. Limericks are often funny, often witty, and often bawdy, and so are we Discordians. And it's sort of a challenge to write a good Limerick, you know? Now, I hear some of you already decrying the "rules" of the Limerick form, complaining that I'm adding too much Order to something which should be Discordian. You would rather write free verse, right? Let me remind you what Robert Frost said about free verse, that writing free verse is like playing tennis without a net. Sure it can be done, but the challenge is gone. Remember when ANYTHING can be poetry, then poetry is nothing.

Here's a game to play when you're bored and sitting around the Cabal HQ. Get five people together, and improvise a limerick on the spot. One person says the first line, following the syllable pattern. Second person immediately says a second line that rhymes with the first and has the same rhythm. Then third person adds the third line, which is short and does not rhyme with the first two, fourth person rhymes with three, and fifth person wraps it up by rhyming with the first. The key here is not to think! Don't sit there trying to come up with a "good" or "funny" line, just come up with something, quickly! Then someone else gets to take the turn to go first. More fun than kissing the Blarney Stone!

2001-07-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

Hansen Admits Spying for Russia
by Jena Nederlands
ALEXANDRIA, Va. (AP) - In exchange for life in prison instead of possible execution, former members of super-group Hansen promise to tell the government all about their years as spies for the Soviets and Russians.

Hansen's keeping faith with that contract, sealed Friday with a plea bargain in which they pleaded guilty to 15 criminal counts, also is crucial for their families: They stand to get some of the band's siezed royalties and keep the family home and cars. If the government concludes that Hansen is not honoring the commitment, it can reopen the case, prosecute them anew and once again hold the death penalty over them.

Hansen provided Moscow with information about U.S. satellites, early warning systems, means of defense or retaliation against large-scale nuclear attack, communications intelligence and major elements of defense strategy, the government said. "A lot of the things they gave up are going to cost a fortune for the government to redo," said Paul Moore, a former FBI counterintelligence analyst who has known Hansen for 20 years.

Looking thin and wearing a green jumpsuit with "prisoner" stamped on the back, Zachary Walker Hansen, 13, admitted to 15 criminal counts, including 13 of espionage. Six counts were dropped. Isaac Hansen, 17 and Taylor Hansen, 15, pled guilty to 2 counts of espionage each, and 8 seperate counts of conspiracy to commit espionage. Deputy Attorney General Larry Thompson said waiving the death penalty was the only way the government could obtain Hansen's cooperation and assess the damage they'd done.

Prosecutors said Hansen, accused of selling secrets for about $1.4 million in cash and diamonds, were motivated by greed. The teen-idol pop group gave Soviet and later Russian agents thousands of pages of classified documents detailing some of the nation's most closely held secrets. He disclosed the identities of Russian agents secretly working for the United States who later were executed. Spokesmen for Hansen said the band was crushed by a failure to duplicate the success of their single "Mmmbop," and needed the cash to support their five-hundred dollar a day heroin habit.

"Their plea of guilty today brings to a close one of the most disturbing and appalling stories of a turncoat imaginable," said Kenneth Melson, U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia.

Hansen agreed to forfeit their spying proceeds, but Cacheris said because much of the money was being kept in an account by their Russian handlers it will likely never be found.

2001-07-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

Hope all you Americans had a happy Independence Day. For the rest of the world, we just had a party to celebrate our colonialist and imperialist heritage. Hooray! Let all the kiddies sing!

Anyway, I wanted to point this article out to you. It's a short read. Go ahead, I'll wait here.

So, sure, ha-ha, heroin under the spaghetti from grandma. But you know what is the most interesting thing about that article to me? The fact that she was a grandmother was made the focus of the title of the article. Sure we all sort of have ideas of "Grandma" as this wholesome old woman puttering around the kitchen and baking goodies for us young'uns, or maybe she's more a stately matriarch keeping court in her living room, or maybe she's a fun-loving senior at the Bingo parlor, but the idea of a grandmother as a dope supplier doesn't seem to fit into any of these visions, does it?

That's because the visions are wrong. Being a grandmother simply means being a woman whose children have also had children. In poor neighborhoods, or where birth control is not used, you can become a grandmother at 30. Plenty of 30 year olds sell and use drugs. "But Falgan," I hear you say, "the woman in the article is 84!" Doesn't matter. Why is it so surprising to see someone in their 80s passing drugs? Think there are no octegenarian druggies or dealers? Of course there are.

What gets me about this article is that they try to make a humorous observation about "granny" passing smack, when the real story is what is at work to cause a woman to pass the drugs on (probably to allow the man to resell it inside for money to get fair treatment) in the first place. Yeah, sure, it can be funny. But keep your eyes on the ball, people.

2001-07-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

I came across a good rant recently. This is what I call a "professional" rant. I distinguish this from more regular (whacked-out, rambling, frenzied, guy-on-the-street-corner-with-tin-foil-on-his-head type of thing) rants because it's written by someone claiming to be an educated professional and writing the rant in such a style that simple people who don't know how to critically read will assume that its news, not just angry spume. It's called The Aftermath Of Prozac, Zoloft, Luvox, Fen-Phen, & Many Other Serotonergic Drugs.

I especially like the list of famous people who used Serotonergic Drugs and have died, the implication being that Serotonergic Drugs caused these people's death. Phil Hartman, Michael Hutchence, and Princess Di, all make the list. Chris Farley is there, too, but somehow, I think it was less the Prozac and more the chili dogs that contributed to his demise.

Anyway, like most good rants, there's probably some truth mixed in with the angry rhetoric and spurious logic. I have no doubt that Serotonergic Drugs can probably screw you up royally. You ingest a foreign substance into your bloodstream and something weird is going to happen. But maybe they work for some people. I dunno, I'm not a M.D. I was more interested in this rant from the fact that it was using the Authority Principle to make its case.

Seriously, if you ever want to convince someone you're right:
Get some credentials. They can be fake. Unless you're applying for a job or something, who checks?
Write down what you want people to believe. People will be more likely to believe something if its written down, especially if it's in a book format or magazine article or even on some nice paper. After all, no just ANYONE publishes things, right?
Make them afraid. If they're afraid of something, they'll cling to any chance to ease that fear.
Be the authority. Brook no arguments. Cite sources that back you up. (Again, fake sources work just fine.) Toss around buzzwords and famous names. Be assertive and forceful. Dare people to call you on it.
See if you don't hoodwink 80% of the people this way.

2001-07-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

More Lyrics, and your Discordian Thought for the day:
"Information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom, wisdom is not truth, truth is not beauty, beauty is not love, love is not music. Music is the best." Frank Zappa

2001-07-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

Twig - The Presidents of the United States of America
Some weepy, creepy, willow, pillow boggy shit
Transcendental big wheel can ya feel it
I got a chickey face down trippin' so damn hard
His head splits open, stuffin' spills out into the car
Cup of dirty water and a lonely boney frog
Slip me seven dollars and I'll pump it full of smog
You paint a monkey gold, let him loose downtown
You start him with a smile, he'll come back with a frown

He's just a twig in the wind, a twig in the wind
A twig in the wind, a twig in the wind
I'm thick and thin and all right

I'm happy feeling crappy in my nappy little car
Squozen, frozen, duplicated, drunk in a bar
Tape recorded all distorted genius machine
A spokes model dipped in refried beans
And piggies' fateful price to put their necks on the stump
Dusty busted skeletons who pay at the pump
Multi-nippled rotating DJ sap
I'm shoulder high in crap and my water wings are flat

[repeat chorus]

Well alright

2001-06-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

Discordian Hopscotch
a game for people with less ilk than that required to play Sink

Players: This is a game for 5 people, plus or minus a few depending on the number of people who want to play.
Materials: Everyone will need a rock. Oh, yeah, and you'll probably want some chalk and a section of sidewalk or something to play on.
Preparation: Begin by drawing a pentagon made of small squares, with five squares to a side. You should probably do this in chalk on a sidewalk or similar, because if you do it on notebook paper it'll be hard to get everyone on it, and plus you got the chalk out anyway, right? Now, on every third block draw another block next to it on the inside of the pentagon. On every second block, draw another block next to it on the outside of the pentagon, except if there's already an extra block there. Start wherever you wish and go in whatever direction you want. Whoever has the longest Holy Name goes first. Everyone pick a spot on the pentagon to begin. If there are two boxes, put one foot in each. If only one, then you have to stand on one foot.
Step 1: The Word. The person whose turn it is shouts out a random Word. Try not to pick a Word ahead of time. Every one else shouts out the Word, too, repeating it. Do this loudly and proudly.
Step 2: The Hop. In unison, everyone spells out The Word, and advances along the path of the pentagon, one space for each letter. You must hop from space to space. If you have two spaces available, put one foot in each space. If there is only one space, you must hop on one foot. As you hop and spell, be sure to shout out the letters loudly and proudly. It also helps if everyone is moving in the same direction, else collisions occur. When you have finished spelling out the word, everyone stops, and play passes to the person on the left.
Step 3: The Additions. Whenever certain letters are called out, there are additional requirements to be followed.
- E - If the letter "E" is to be called out, the players instead all wave their fingers rapidly and sing out, "EEEEEEEEEE!" for at least 3 seconds. Those that can sing harmony, should.
- Q - If the letter "Q" is to be called out, the players instead call out "Queue!" Everyone leaves their space, lines up single file behind the person whose turn it is, and quick-marches around the perimeter of the game board, once. Once done, everyone returns to their previous space to continue the word, if necessary.
- W - If the letter "W" is to be called out, instead of shouting "W", the players shout out "Twenty-Three Skidoo!" while pumping their fists into the air.
- O - If the letter "O" is to be called out, instead, players shout out "Oh My!" while clasping their hands over their hearts.
- Z - If the letter "Z" is to be called out, then instead everyone suddenly leaves their spot and runs madly around the area where the game is being played, crying "Zee! Zee!" happily, madly, accosting passers-by with their shouts, and generally behaving like they just won the lottery or something equally as wonderful. Do this for about 10 seconds, then everyone runs back to their spot like nothing happened, and the game continues.
Step 4 - Errors and Endgame. If somone screws up, no one cares. Play continues until people get tired of it or until you are asked to move along by local authorities.
Step 5 - The Rock. The rock is used in self-defense when playing Discordian Hopscotch. Alternatively, it can be tossed, juggled, kicked, polished, or sung to.

(K) Lord Falgan - Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium. Reprint what you like, but credit me, eh?

2001-06-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

I sent this to the McCormick spice company today. I hope to get an answer, soon. And this is all true.

Dear McCormick,

I have been a happy user of your products for a long while. I am particularly fond of your caraway seeds. I find that caraway is an often overlooked spice, and can be used effectively in many different kinds of cooking- not just bread or saurkraut. I use it in Italian cooking, and is a must-have in my lasagne.

What I am writing about, though, is something which I don't quite understand. You see, we moved recently, and, as often happens, stuff gets lost in the transfer. Well, my small jar of McCormick caraway seeds was one of the things to go missing in action. So, on the next grocery trip, I picked up one of your small jars of Caraway Seed. Well, so did my wife, at a different store! It's quite alright, as I'll certainly use them up. But here is the crux of my question:

The small plastic jar of caraway seeds I purchased is labelled simply, "Caraway Seeds". However, the jar my wife purchased, which is larger and glass and has a screw-on top rather than the plastic flip-top like mine, is labelled "Fancy Caraway Seeds".

Now, I mean no disrespect, but frankly I cannot see any difference between the "Fancy" caraway seeds and the "ordinary" ones. I've eaten a lot of caraway in my time, and I feel I know a good bit about these seeds. I thought that perhaps the "Fancy" caraway seeds were somehow "better" than the ordinary ones, but I could not tell how this might be.

If you would be so kind, could you please tell me the difference?

Thank you so much for your time, and keep planting your seeds!

L. Falgan

They'll supposedly write back within 5 days. I'll keep you all posted.
Oh, and it turns out that Pimptress was a 'fake' after all. Still doesn't change anything, though. People are writing in posts of support for the hoax, apparantly. Of course, those posts could be 'fake,' too. Just goes to show that life is better if you don't try to find any 'truth' in it, except whatever works at the moment.

2001-06-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

I got a couple of letters regarding yesterday's entry, about "Pimptress" and her revenge pictures. Most of them felt the need to point out to me that they believed that the whole site was a fraud, a publicity stunt concocted by uBoot to attract more users. They seemed to think that I had been 'suckered' (as one letter put it), and implied that because the story was, they thought, fake, it was therefore invalid.

Now, this is an important point. I don't know if Pimptress's page is "real" (as in truthful as it is presented) or "fake" (as in not truthful in the way it is presented), but I contend that it does not matter. A good story is a good story. The comedy of TV sitcoms, the plots of movies we love, the novels that speak to the human condition... must they be 'real' to be valid? Of course not! Fiction sometimes can speak better to us about our reality than fact. So what if Pimptress is actually a name created by a webservice monkey, and the guy in the photos is really an actor or the monkey's best friend? It's still pretty funny, or I think so. The statement it makes about the world doesn't really change much depending on whether it's true or not.

This is a cornerstone of Discordian thought. You must understand this. There is no Truth. And the opposite, "All things are true, even false things." is also true. If you can get your head behind this one fact, then you are already halfway to enlightenment and miles ahead of most of humanity.

2001-06-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

Revenge is a dish best served cold. - Sicilian Proverb
Don't get mad, get even.- Robert F. Kennedy
Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord - Romans 12:19
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? - William Shakespeare
Our sense of revenge is as exact as our mathematical faculty, and until both terms of the equations are satisfied we can not get over the sense of something left undone. - Inazo Nitobe, Bushido
http://www.uboot.com/u/pimptress.

2001-06-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

I was skimming around through MP3.com checking out free music and the like. I'm still a big fan of trance[]control, but I found a group that might interest the Dada Eclectics among us (and that's probably a pretty big chunk). They're called Discord Aggregate. I listened to a couple of tracks, and they remind me a little of Negativland with less media sampling and more drone. Their website is pretty hoopy, too. Check them out, unless you fear music.

2001-06-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think getting access to alt.discordia again wasn't such a good thing. Let me say that I still have faith that the newsgroup can be a good thing for Discordians to communicate with one another. But recently, there's been a dramatic increase in the quantity, not quality, of the posts. This is primarily due to large-scale cross-posting with other newsgroups, a series of trolls and flames, and a lot of discussion from other newsgroups about topics which are, to me, sort of dull and not really Discordian in scope. I mean, sure, you can examine most any issue from the Discordian perspective, but people have been yammering and hammering about George W. Bush and the McVeigh execution and frankly, I'm wondering where the Hodge went.

Now, I know you're saying, "But Falgan, that's typical of newsgroups." Yeah, I know. But frankly, I would have thought things would have been a little different in alt.discordia. I guess hope springs eternal, to be enternally disappointed. And I also hear you saying, "But Falgan, aren't arguments chaotic, and isn't chaos a good thing?" Yes, arguments are chaotic. But remember chaos and order are neither "good" or "bad," they just are. They are two sides of the same coin, two halves of the Hodge-Podge. We Discordians focus on the chaos side of things because there is an imbalance of order in the world. So, arguing for arguments sake has its use, but is not terribly productive.

Add to the fact that flaming and trolling isn't really argument. If arguing is like sex (two or more people relating and involved with each other toward a specific goal) then trolling is like masturbation to porno. Someone says something inflammitory and gets off on watching everyone overreact to it. I dunno. I just find it plain boring and useless. I like having a good argument every now and again, because a true arguement involves both creative and destructive energies. Trolling is just destructive. *yawn*

I'm sort of sad that alt.discordia is going through this phase. I liked it better when there were just a couple of posts a day, not the 20 or 40 that come down the pike now, thanks to the cross-posting and flame wars. But I think it will eventually pass. I hope so. I would hate to think that alt.discordia would succumb to constant destructive and wasteful energies. "All things are perfect to every last flaw and bound in accordance to Eris' law."

2001-06-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

Got Religion?

2001-06-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

I love news stories like this one. Take a quick read, but its an article in the Online Mirror out of London about a zoning problem. It seems that they're building a new Maple Street a few blocks from an existing Maple Street. Now the existing Maple Street people want the new Maple Street's name changed, but the developers of the new Maple Street want to keep their name. I don't see what the big deal is. It a boring name, anyway. And I particularly like the irony of it all- there are no maple trees anywhere near both streets.

Now, I know that streets are named by bureaucrats, builders, people who happen to wander by, that sort of thing. Personally, if a street is going to have a name, I think it should be something really interesting. Like the cross street mentioned in the article: Termonfeckin Road. Now that's a name. It sounds like something you'd shout at someone while they're driving: Hey! What are you doing? Get on the Termonfeckin Road! I mean, they're names, right? We name our kids, pets, body parts, etc. Don't we like to give them interesting names? Why not our roads? Name them after your favorite foods, books, songs, phrases. Or they could be truly descriptive, not faux descriptive like Maple Road where there are no Maple trees. Your new address could be 23 Hot Apple Pie Court, or 17-E Reality Is What You Can Get Away With Lane or 1 Brown House at the End of the Dirt Road by the Oak Tree That Got Hit By Lightning. If nothing else, the names are certainly easier to remember.

2001-06-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well, much to my chagrin, things have returned to a state of near normalcy. So, here are a few updates.

I seem to have access to alt.discordia again. It just started working one day. Very odd, but you know, it all works out in the end. The Law of Irony states that, of course, the one true post of wisdom and elightenment came down along the newsgroup while I was unable to access it. But that's fine. I like my future cloudy, my truth undefined, and my coffee with lots of milk.

(Which reminds me of a woman I once knew who said one of the funniest things I've ever heard. "I like my men like I like my coffee." she said. "In my vagina.")

Remember Melanie Perkins from a few days back? Well, she found me out, after several exchanges of email. But the nice thing is she's very cool about it and we still keep in touch. She's still pretty miserable in her work, so if you would like to help her relieve the monotony of her work life (and, really, isn't that one of the things we Discordians should do?) then drop her a note at eleorinoco@hotmail.com. (PS: I know this could still be a joke, but heck, why stop now?)

Last but not least, if you haven't done this yet, may I suggest you sell your soul online? soulXchange is network of people who sell their souls for an intial award of Soulbucks, then use those Soulbucks to purchase interests in other souls. Value of a particular soul depends on certain criterion and can change daily depending on world events, news stories, and member-submitted articles. If you would like to sell your soul and then buy mine, you can do so here. Come on. It's not like you're doing anything with your soul, anyway.

2001-06-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's a conspiracy, I tell you. Well, as I mentioned, we moved the Pineal Research Lab to a new location. That was 5 days ago, and we have only now had phone service restored, and are still having to wait extra long to get our high speed internet connections going again. So, that's why there have been no more updates, here. Sorry about that, folks. More to come, soon.

2001-06-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

Fiction:

Agent Smith: I'd like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we are the cure. - from The Matrix

Fact:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - It is called "Blitzkrieg" or "Overkill," but it is not the latest Hollywood war epic.

It is the scientific theory that prehistoric people moving for the first time into new geographical areas during their spread around the world invariably hunted large animals into extinction. New work by American and Australian researchers is adding weight to the theory, while undercutting the notion that climate change and not human influence was the cause.

Scientists say the lessons of the past should not be lost on the people of today, considering the number of species already extinguished by humanity or pushed to the brink. - snippet from "Prehistoric Humans Blamed for Mass Extinctions" by Will Dunham.

There are too many people in the world. This is not official Discordian doctrine, nor is it NOSE dogma. But it's the truth. If you want to have children, keep it to one or two of your own. Want more? Adopt. Check out Zero Population Growth.

2001-06-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

There's something pretty darn chaotic about language. William S. Burroughs once said that language was a virus which was transmitted by mouth. But think about it. There is no truth in language. Language is just a bunch of symbols which we have arbitrarily assigned meanings to, both written and spoken. The word "cat" stands for that little furry thing with four legs, claws, whiskers, and a tail, but it's not actually a cat. In French its "chat" and in Japanese its "neko". We make up what words mean as we go along. Even if we think we know the language, it still can be incomprehensible to us. For example, read this article.

Now, unless you know a good bit about Australian rules football, which I don't, half of that article made no sense. Language is our attempt to encode the ideas in our head into little packages, which can then be transmitted to other people to be decoded back into ideas. The problem is, and always is, that it looses something in the translation. If I say "cat" to you, you get a different picture of a cat than I do, probably. Now, I can send you more little language packets (big, fat, all black, long-haired, yellow-eyed, tomcat) and get you closer, but you probably still don't have the exact same picture in your head that I do. So, until everyone can indoctrinate their pineal gland and ascend to telepathy, we're screwed.

What this boils down to is that language is a tool, a useful tool, but contains no truth in and of itself. Words are not ideas. Words are symbols that try to convey the idea, and are only as good as the person who encodes them (writes them, speaks them), and the person who decodes them (reads them, hears them). This is why learning your language, whatever language you choose to learn, is important, and why your 8th grade teacher was right: you need a good vocabulary.

2001-06-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

We are currently relocating the Pineal Research Lab to new digs. This is a long and arduous process (we have a LOT of equipment to move) and that's why my updates here have been sporatic. We're moving because after the lightning strike, we did a little background check on the Lab's current site. Well, it turns out that the building the Lab is housed in has been struck by lightning 13 times, was used to be used by Satanists for Black Masses, was the site of a horrible fire that killed a group of nuns, has had several UFO sightings near it, was the epicenter for several unexplained earthquakes (NOT our fault this time!), a complete lunar eclipse occurs over it every 1000 years, it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and a Ley line runs right through it. Which is especially bad because we don't believe Ley lines exist. So, we're moving. Watch this space.

2001-06-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

The Discord Discadence
Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium
This is a useful means for marching large numbers of Discordians from one place to another. It requires a Leader and the rest of the gathered are the Chorus. The Chorus’s part is in parenthesis, and should be chanted, rapidly, in low voice, kind of like an army march. The Leader has the other bits. The “rutabaga” and “watermelon” verses should alternate between Chorus and Leader, while the “rhubarb” verses are done simultaneously. Try to keep a good, brisk, and even rhythm and cadence going. The magic of this cadence works because it uses an ordered rhythm to connect patterns of 2 and 3 in a chaotic manner.

(rutabaga rutabaga) Afrosheen!
(rutabaga rutabaga) Carob bean!
(watermelon watermelon) Toast and jam!
(watermelon watermelon) Smoky ham!

The thing about eggs is they cheaper by the dozen!
(rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb!)
Just don’t forget you can’t date your cousin!
(rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb!)

(rutagaba rutabaga) Caustic lye!
(rutabaga rutabaga) Pumpkin pie!
(watermelon watermelon) Cream of wheat!
(watermelon watermelon) Stinky feet!

Knick-knack paddy-whack, give a dog a bone!
(rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb!)
Momma’s in the kitchen with an ice cream cone!
(rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb!)

(rutabaga rutabaga) Succotash!
(rutabaga rutabaga) Paid in cash!
(watermelon watermelon) Lemon lime!
(watermelon watermelon) Any time!

Set up the table with a fork and knife!
(rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb!)
You can have fun with the game of life!
(rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb! rhubarb!)

Repeat as necessary.

2001-06-06T12:14:00.000-07:00

One of my other personalities got a little inspiriational thingie emailed to him. You know, one of those "send this to all your friends so you can seem like you're an intelligent and caring person without having to come up with an original thought on the matter" emails. You can read the whole thing over here. The quick summary: the email urges its readers to be more spontaneous and sieze the most immediate opportunities, to not worry so much about life's problems because they will stand in the way of you truly enjoying yourself. It concludes with a badly written poem telling people to slow down and make time for things.

Of course this is complete and utter claptrap. Aside from the fact that the idea is old (carpe diem, anyone?) and overdone, and the poem at the end contradicts the message at the start, it's just silly. The author attempts to put a greater value on doing what you want to do than what you should do. Anyone who has matured past 8th grade understands that this value judgement is simply irresponsible. Certainly we all want to be able to do the things want to do, and not have to worry about the things we have to do, but come on, this is impractical.

"How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?" (sheesh, its a sexist rant, too) How many husbands blow all the savings on eating out and don't have enough money to pay all the bills at the end of the month? "How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched Jeopardy! on television?" What if that's what the kids like to do with you? What if you enjoy that time together, that way? "When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available trips." Uh-huh. Does your friend have to work for a living? If not, where does she get the money to take said adventures? If so, how does she get the time off to take those trips? "The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker [ice cream cone]. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy." The logic being that since you can never know when you're going to die, you should do whatever you want right now. So, have a triple-decker cone every day. Eat whatever you want, never mind that by eating all that fatty food you'll put on weight and probably shorten your life span. Oops, looks like the dance is shorter than you thought!

Life is all about choices and consequences. You pick what you want to do whether it's fly to Jamaica or buy food for the kid. Either choice has consequences, and you have to be responsible enough to accept them. Whether one choice is "better" than another is not the issue. The problem with this so-called "inspiriational rant" is that the person who wrote it clearly didn't like the choices he or she had made in their life up to that point. And so, frustrated, he or she tried to convince others, in a childish attempt at making him or herself feel better, not to make the same mistakes she or he had. But choosing work over play is not a "mistake". It's just a choice. Just remember that when you choose one path, you might not be able to hike back to take the other for some time. That's what life is about- making these choices. Don't let carpe diem sell you otherwise.

2001-06-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

For some reason, my news server has prevented me from accessing alt.discordia for the past week or so. I didn't really notice it for a couple of days. What I mean is, alt.discordia doesn't generate hundreds of posts a day, it's more of a few dedicated souls and a good number of lurkers keeping the faith. So, when I didn't get any updates for a day, I just figured it was a slow day. After a week, though, something is up. I'm not entirely certain what the problem is, so any of you who can help me out, drop me a line.

I also want to take a little moment to acknowledge a few other Discordian web sites that I've found useful and interesting. I've mentioned Castle Chaos before, home to Prince Mu-Chao and the 23 Apples of Eris Cabal. Some good stuff over here, definately worth your time. Of particular interest and service to the Discordian community is his keeping track of many Jakes, which is a big plus. There's also Discordian.com, kept by St. Mae, of the Church of No Dead Saints. Lots of nice articles, a section on magick, (which differs from my own practices, but that's fine, too), and various other sundry items. And there's Cabaret Discordia, maintained by Beatus Ffungo. There's quite a lot to see here, including some very keen Discordian games and java fun stuff, but I especially like the Discordian Gemarah, which is an annotated version of the Principia. Highly recommended. And of course, to get back to basics, there's always the book itself.

2001-06-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

Just a real quick update today. If you haven't taken a look at Virtual Chaos yet, do so. Some really keen stuff. Science, pseudo-science, quasi-science, and my personal favorite, a theory that explains everything. I particularly liked the essay on divination, and the Woody Allen quote at the top of the page.

Also, an update about Melanie Perkins (see entry on 5/31). Prince Mu-Chao was nice enough to join in the jake on poor Melanie, sending her an email. She even wrote him back. She hasn't responded to me, yet, so, either she's onto me or is waiting to figure out something to say. Anyway, go check out the jake on Prince Mu-Chao's page, Castle Chaos.

2001-06-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to notice a Disturbing Trend. You should know that Disturbing Trends are a particular hallmark of the Age of Aftermath. This doesn't mean to say they don't happen during other Ages, but they happen with greater frequency and ramifications in Aftermath. Anyway, this Disturbing Trend I'm calling When Animals Attack. Yeah, I know, Fox did a blue million of those sorts of specials, but that in itself is a sign of Aftermath.

The When Animals Attack Disturbing Trend can be seen in many recent headlines from around the world. It seems that our furry, scaly, slimy, or spineless friends are getting pretty cranky with us. Here's a few examples, with links to the news items.

Beaver Bites Back! A Finnish beaver tried to bite off a man's head. Make whatever commentary about this reversal you see fit.
Smokey the Bear Gone Bad. Black bears in Afognak Islands, Alaska, started a forest fire when they deliberately pulled burning debris from an incinerator. Only you can start forest fires.
Screw Honey, I Want a Cruller. In other bear-related news, another bear has been breaking down the door to a bakery in order to scarf down donuts. Perhaps he's trying to save the town from obesity.
Sex Monkey Strikes! Yes, that's right, there's a monkey in Sri Lanka that is so desperate to get laid, he's terrorizing people and trying to score with household pets. Never date outside your own species, pal.

Don't believe me? There's a whole site about this, the Animal Attack Files. Yes, true believers, we have a Disturbing Trend on our hands, and it's time for us to act. Do not harm any animals yourself! Instead, when approaching any animal, use the Animal Kinship Spell. Assume a stance like the animal you wish to cast this spell on, i.e. down on all fours or hold out your arms like wings, etc. Then wave your appendages about while you recite this incantation:

Feathers and fur! Skin and scale!
Paws and claws! Beak and Tail!
Don't pounce or bite! Don't scratch or chew!
'Cause I am an animal just like you!

2001-05-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

I get lots of mail, but every so often I'll get something like this:

Hiya,
how are you? I haven't heard from you for ages, so I acquired your e-mail address from Adrian. He did tell me before that your e-mail address was godtheutterleyindifferent but it didn't work when i tried it, which was a shame as I thought that it was quite a cool address.

So what are you upto?

Are you going to come to the wedding?

Have you got any interesting but not too rude e-mails you can send me to remove the tedium of working life.

Talk to you soon
Mel

What you have to understand is that I have no idea who this person is. Her email address identified her as "Melanie Perkins" and her address was eleorinoco@hotmail.com. Now, I know this could be a jake, some vaguely-worded email sent out to a bunch of Hotmail addresses. But heck, why ignore it when you can do something about it? So, I sent this back:

>Hiya,
> how are you? I haven't heard from you for ages, so I acquired
>your e-mail address from Adrian. He did tell me before that your
>e-mail address was godtheutterleyindifferent but it didn't work when
>i tried it, which was a shame as I thought that it was quite a cool
>address.

Wow, yeah, talk about a voice from the past! I'm sorry I haven't written, but things have been really crazy. And I had to give up that 'godtheutterleyindifferent' address, because some crazy right-wing Christian group found it and began spamming me with all sorts of stuff, trying to get me to convert and all. It was a mess.

>So what are you upto?

Well, I'm working at the Pineal Research Laboratory, now. It's kind of cool, they're doing all this melatonin research, and are into Chaos theory and stuff. We got hit with lightning the other day and lost some equipment. That was a mess.

>Are you going to come to the wedding?

I hope so! When is that again? Can I bring my cat?

>Have you got any interesting but not too rude e-mails you can send
>me to remove the tedium of working life.

I'll see what I can come up with. (grin) Talk to you soon!

I figure if she wants interesting emails, we should give them to her. So, if you have something that meets her criteria- interesting but not too rude- send them to her. I even sent this to Castle Chaos for a possible large-scale jake, if this doesn't turn out to be a hoax. Have fun!

2001-05-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

Your Discordian Koan for the day:

"Wisdom requires accepting the confusion."
- Prof. Bruce Ackerman, Yale University Law School

2001-05-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

Act of God. Date: circa 1859: /noun/ an extraordinary interruption by a natural cause (as a flood or earthquake) of the usual course of events that experience, prescience, or care cannot reasonably foresee or prevent Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary.

The Pineal Research Lab got hit by lightning. Guess someone up in godland is jealous. Anyway, the damage was fairly minor, but it did cause us to loose our Focused Microwave Containment Unit (good old number 4, too), one of our Analog Audio/Visual Replay Analysis sets, and both modems in the main computer. The ADSL will be fixed tomorrow, and I've already got a regular old boring dial-up modem in as a replacement.

But it does make you wonder about "Acts of God." I mean, is this the sort of thing you want YOUR god doing? Drowning people? Setting fires? Washing away homes and frying your modems? Doesn't sound like a very nice god to me. Why can't Acts of God be, you know, pizza falling from the sky. Or even theatre. Some sort of big stage in the sky, angels coming out and putting on Barefoot in the Park or something. But no. The Act of God god is callous and cruel, and unpredictable. So why do so many people bother to worship it, hm?

2001-05-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to point out some interesting artistic photographs I came across. I'm referring to the work of Spencer Tunick. Now, a lot of photographers use the nude human form for their subjects (and more than just for pornography, thank you). But Tunick goes a step beyond. He actually assembles hundreds of naked people and has them lie around in public urban settings in interesting ways. He takes the naked human form and uses it sort of for color and shape, not sexuality. (Well, maybe on some visceral level, or if you have a concrete fetish or something.) You can see some of his works at this site.

But what I like about this guy is that he actually gets hundreds of people, volunteers, mind you, to lie around in the buff on cold, wet, dirty streets. All this while getting a permit to do so from the city, and getting local police to cordon off the surroundings to keep gawkers at a minimum. Genius! I think he deserves a sainthood for that. Please welcome to the fold Saint Spencer Tunick.

2001-05-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

Well, after a few days of limbo, we are back. Blog*Spot, the optional free hosting site for Blogger users was disconnected from the Internet by Blogger's ISP. Not Blogger's fault. They found a new ISP and got set up once more and now things are back to normalcy, which is a pity.

Jake day has come and gone, and this time around it was a Jake on Yahoo. As I've mentioned here before, Yahoo has Discordianism listed under "Parody Religions" (whatever that means). The Jake was to send Yahoo emails demanding, cajoling, suggesting, and charming them into either moving the Discordian listing to the other religions of the world, or to move those religions to join Discordianism in "Parody Religions." From what I've seen, things went pretty well. Prince Mu-Chao of Castle Chaos has made an archive of the emails folks have sent. Check them out. For my part, this is what I sent:

Report PRL-052301-2317-e
Filed and Crossindexed. BEAST#0125-11111-mu5-0203
This report will remain on file for 5 years.

To: Yahoo URL Support
Fr: L. Falgan, Pineal Research Laboratory
Re: Index Error

Dear Dr. Yahoo URL Support:

This is a standard report generated by the CHAMOS system. CHAMOS has
detected a(n) Index Error (Class 2) in the Yahoo Index, and this report has
been automatically generated to inform you of the error.

CHAMOS (Chaos Monitoring System) was developed by the Pineal Research
Laboratory to track Brownian-Heisenberg Internet information flows within
normal Random/Uncertainty parameters.

Details of the error(s) are as follows:

*** CHAMOS SCAN 391119400-0105 Iteration P
*** URL:
http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Religion/Religious_Parodies/Discordian/
*** Index Error (Class 2)
*** Bad Heuristic Value Association (fatal$)
*** Dumped to file ^greyface (!!)
*** Starting notification protocols...
*** lordfalgan@hotmail.com Done.
*** url-support@yahoo-inc.com Done.
*** violations@fcc.gov Done.
*** Notification protocols completed.
*** END OF REPORT

CHAMOS has analyzed the error(s) and recommends the following action(s):

*** SOLUTION MATRIX ACTIVE
*** SOLUTION 1: URL
http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Religion/Religious_Parodies/Discordian/ should be re-indexed to
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/.
*** SOLUTION 2: All URL(s) found at
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/ should be re-indexed to
http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Religion/Religious_Parodies/
*** No other solutions found.
*** Computing Brownian-Heisenberg Stability Factors... Done.
*** SOLUTION 1: 100% stability
*** SOLUTION 2: 100% stability
*** END SOLUTION MATRIX

These CHAMOS notifications are provided free of charge as a public service
to users of the Internet. If you have any questions or comments about this
report, please contact the Pineal Research Laboratory at
lordfalgan@hotmail.com . Please include the Report Number and CHAMOS Scan
number in all correspondence. Due to volume of mail received, a personal
reply may not be possible.

-----
The Pineal Research Laboratory is a subsidiary of the Novus Ordo Seclorum
Erisium, a non-prophet irreligious disorganization, and is not intended for
broadcast fnord.

I have also followed up that email with 2nd and 3rd notices, increasing the tone of urgency with each one. It's not too late. I want everyone to really dig in here and send something. Be creative if you like, but even if it's just an email saying "Move Discordia!" send something every day until we get the thing moved. Email them at url-support@yahoo-inc.com. We can do it. Hail Eris!

2001-05-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

'Cricket. It's What You Want.'

Cricket industry unveils latest ad campaign in Las Vegas

BY NATASHA DRAKE

The cricket industry unveiled the latest aspect of its Brand-Like Initiative when NCCA introduced its new advertising campaign at the Summer Conference in Las Vegas. Announced in Phnom Penh earlier this year, the Brand-Like Initiative will take the cricket industry beyond that of a commodity-driven business into one that is consumer-driven.

Continuing to focus on the consumer and evolving from the "Cricket. It's What's For Dinner." campaign, the new theme capitalizes on consumers' inherent desires for cricket. The new "Cricket. It's What You Want." campaign aims to arouse consumer emotions and has a more inclusive theme because it targets people eating cricket both at home and in restaurants.

NCCA Chief Executive Officer Chip Van Pelt says the new positioning offers the cricket industry an excellent opportunity to feature cricket as a product consumers desire, taking the advertising appeal from the functional to the emotional, which is thought to be the core of most consumer decisions.

"Using this new theme, our other consumer communications will continue to build a context of confidence with messages about cricket's nutritional value and easy preparation techniques," Van Pelt explains. "By coordinating programs in this way, we get the most bang for the industry's dollars."

Competing against emu's $18.4 million advertising budget and mealworm's combined television spending of $28.2 million, it is crucial for NCCA to ensure the best use of the $13.5 million checkoff-funded advertising budget by focusing efforts on its most critical target audience.

After extensive market research, NCCA found that it was necessary to move from an audience of meal purchasers and preparers, typically women ages 25-54, to the audience making today's cricket-eating decisions -- the high-volume adult cricket eater, 57 percent of which are men.

More frequent cricket users account for 72 percent of all cricket retail volume and 36 percent of all households, with cricket making up 60 percent of their fresh meat purchases at retail. However, with the number of take-out meals doubling since the mid-1980s, it is also important to focus on the cricket purchases made out of the home.

The "Cricket. It's What's For Dinner." campaign primarily focused on eating at home and the retail marketplace. Today, consumer eating trends require the cricket industry to take a change in direction and incorporate in-home as well as take-out meals and dining out.

"More and more of the consumer's food dollar is being spent on food away from the home," says Mona Geoff, NCCA director of advertising. "We have evolved our advertising message and target audience to reflect this changing consumer food environment."

Working with The Larry Burns Co., the industry's advertising agency, NCCA conducted research to determine why consumers eat cricket. Responses commonly included, "I crave it," or "I want it."

Research shows that consumers like the way cricket tastes and the way it makes them feel. Many consumers said, "... earthworm is what I should eat, but cricket is what I want to eat." Answers like that led NCCA to target ads toward the strong emotional tie consumers have with cricket products.

The new media scheduling plan will help keep cricket "top-of-mind" with consumers throughout the year and assist state cricket councils, retailers and foodservice operators in planning promotional tie-ins with the television ads.

According to Geoff, the strengths of Brand-Like advertising lie in the senses of television -- the sight of a delicious, juicy thorax or the sound of a sizzling cricket leg hot off the grill.

"Using television, we can actually help stimulate a consumer's craving for cricket," Geoff says.

NCCA President Mel Dotts says this advertising campaign is the cricket industry's most visible step toward becoming a brand-like, consumer-driven and consumer-focused industry.

"'Cricket. It's What You Want.' addresses the consumer by name and recognizes the products they want," Dotts says. "And by delivering those cricket products and catering to consumers' needs, the cricket industry will be able to receive and respond to economic signals sent from the consumer back through the production chain, ultimately resulting in increased profit opportunities throughout the industry."

Natasha Drake writes for National Cricketeers and Cricket Business Bulletin.

2001-05-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, well, there's some sort of big flappy hoo-hah from some of the workers at British Air because the airline has hired fashion designer Julien MacDonald to design their new uniforms. I don't know if you know MacDonald, the "Welsh Wizard," who is known for his knits, but I have a picture of one of his designs on the right. You can see the website where I found that pic and other MacDonald designs here. According to the article, the flight attendant's union is worried about the image their members will present with MacDonald making their clothes.

Okay, now, for me, while I wouldn't like to see every flight attendant in something like that little frock on the right, it would be a selling point for me for the companies I patronize to have really cool and interesting clothing. More than clothing. Costumes! Why wear a suit when you can wear an ornate robe? Why wear jeans when you can wear a loincloth? Why wear a dress when you can wear a latex body suit? Okay, sure extremes are just that, extreme, but why must we continue to pander to the lowest common denominator in our clothing choices. Why must every business suit be grey or blue? Why must every Burger King worker have that hideous orange shirt and the little paper hat? Why must clothes be BORING?

Well, certainly, it's cheaper to manufacture the same things over and over, especially if they are simple. But I think the main reason people don't wear more interesting things is good old Fear. Fear of what people will think. Fear of their self-image. Fear of being singled out and being the center of attention. Fear of revealing things about yourself by your clothing choice. If everyone looks basically the same, then you have less to Fear. It's safer. Like a school of fish.

I remember when I was younger, just getting into high school (oh so many years ago), my father took me down to a tailor shop to buy my a nice London Fog overcoat. Now, I had been bumming around in one of my dad's very old ones, which was olive. It was worn and ratty, but I liked it. So, when the man at the store asked me what I was looking for, I told him I wanted an olive overcoat. He shook his head. "No, no. You want a khaki." The man would not let me order a damn olive coat, stating that if I wanted to really look professional, I'd need to get a khaki one. Well, I was not going to have a goofy-looking, boring beige coat. After much debate and consultation with my dad, we were able to "compromise" on a navy blue coat. But to this day, I wish I had ordered an olive one.

Remember that the Chains of Fear are made by ourselves. "You have locked yourselves up in cages of fear and then complain that you lack freedom!" - Principia Discordia. By Eris, this is one thing you can do with your life that you have a lot of control over. Maybe you'll have to start small, but start! Wear a freaky tie to work! Buy that purple button-down! And if you really want to go for the gusto, learn how to sew and make your own clothes. Let the clothes you wear express who you are, not what some textile company wants you to be. Take control, and break the Chain of Fear.

2001-05-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

Hail, friends! Bothered by all the strange religions floating around out there? Not sure which path really leads to true enlightenment? Fretting over whether the Man, Woman, or Slug upstairs has some real estate in Heaven with your name on it? Or maybe you just can't figure out which Truth is for you? Well fret no more!

We at the Pineal Research Laboratory have worked out a test just for you: The Lucky Charms Religion Test. Yes, now such puzzling questions about moral values and eternal damnation can be easily and quickly resolved, based on your own personality. The test is very simple. Simply choose one (1) of the following "Lucky Charms" bits found in Lucky Charms cereal. Choose the one which appeals to you the most, your "favorite" if you like.

Pink Hearts.
Yellow Moons.
Orange Stars.
Green Clovers.
Purple Horseshoes.
Those little boring oat bits.

Now, simply compare your selection to the chart below. Each religion has been scientifically selected and compared with known personality traits, color reaction responses, taste response, and curvilinear perception theory which correspond to the Lucky Charm that you have chosen.

Pink Hearts: The heart is the symbol of life and passion, and no one was more passionate than the Tlaloc Worshippers of the Ancient Aztecs. Tlaloc the rain god was merciless and cruel, and demanded that the hearts of his worshippers should be carved from their chest, else he would drown them in a flood or kill everything with drought. While not the most compassionate of deities, you at least knew exactly where He stood. Book a flight to Mexico, pay up your life insurance, and prepare to find Enlightenment through fear and death in the South American jungle.

Yellow Moons: The moon has been called many things through the years, but has always been a symbol of Hecate, the Greek Goddess of magic and witches, who still kicks around even today. Yes, Wicca is the path for you, my young seeker. I hope you like standing around in the woods wearing lots of black clothes and silver jewelry. It will help to be able to say really silly incantations with a straight face. Men: grow a goatee. Women: let your hair grow long. Pick a random Gaelic name for yourself out of a book, and Truth is just a prolonged trance while staring into a $20 quartz crystal away.

Orange Stars: You probably like pets, which is a good thing, because you'll want to join the Cult of the Dog Star. An ancient tradition, dating back to Egyptian and other African cultures, worship of the Dog Star, Sirius, has been around for forever. Even today, Sirius, or "Sigi Tolo" is worshipped by the Dogon people of Africa. And now, also by you. The appearance of the star in the heavens is said to portend floods, or theives, or bad luck, or any sort of other evil omens. Better worship it to keep on its good side! Invest in a good telescope and get used to praying at night to your new celestial master.

Green Clovers: Congratulations! You're a druid. Break out the chapstick and get ready to kiss a lot of trees. The Druids, of course, are an ancient Celtic (pronounced 'KELL-tick') religion that used to hang out and dance around Stonehenge. And they do love nature. Boy do they ever. I hope you don't mind getting really friendly with your pets. And I hope you like sacrificing, too! Those Druids LOVE to sacrifice stuff. Food, drink, gold, animals, plants, people, you name it, they'll probably have a ritual where one is thrown on a stone slab and carved up so its entrails (if any) can be read.

Purple Horseshoes: Oh, wow. Really? You're one sick and twisted little pervert, you know that? Your best religious choice is the Cult of Aphrodite. Aphrodite, as you know, was the Greek goddess of love, and to be honest, she spent more time on her back than... well, than you will. Members of the Cult of Aphrodite meet regularly to don ceremonial leather vestments, perform various acts of worship (either for or to another Cult member), and shout out such incantations as "Oh, god(dess), yes!" (Assuming no religious ball gags are employed.) Pain and Pleasure are two sides of the same coin, and you'll get to learn a lot about both. Bring your own lubricant.

Those little boring oat bits: Christianity.

Now wasn't that simple? Note well: These matches have been verified scientifically. Don't waste valuable spiritual salvation time by shopping around and trying to make up your own mind. We've done the hard part, the rest is up to you! Congratulations on the choice of your new Religion!

By the way, if you happened to choose "the milk," you might want to check out Discordianism.

(k) Lord Falgan, FM, KSC, Pineal Research Lab, Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium - Reprint what you like but credit me, eh?

2001-05-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Got a letter from Rev. abraxas223 who was kind enough to remind me about the Campaign to Unparody Discordianism in Yahoo's Index (CUDYI), which is scheduled for the next Jake Day, May 23rd. Here's his deal:

Hear ye, hear ye! All rise! Court is now in session!

Imagine how Jews or Buddhists would react if their religion was listed under "Humor". They probably wouldn't find it at all Humor"ous. The Pope would probably have a fit if Roman Catholicism was termed a "Parody Religion."

Well, Discordianism has BILLIONS of Popes, some of them quite famous. In fact, every woman and man on or off the face of this planet is a Pope (so please treat them right). That makes Discordianism the single most popular religion in the multiverse. While it is true that many people do not choose to actively participate in the whoreship of Eris, Goddess of Discord and Confusion and Really Scwewy Stuff, these people are nonetheless members of the fastest-growing religion in all creation (Discordianism grows at the exact same rate as the population, you see).

You are also a Pope of Discordia, whether you want to be or not. (One cannot be excommunicated until one knows the secret passwoid, or finds the Hammer of Excommunication.) By listing Discordianism under "Parody Religions," Yahoo! is telling you that YOU ARE A JOKE! That's not very respectful, now, is it? Do you think you're a joke? You are if you don't email Yahoo! and demand that this libelous misrepresentation be corrected IMMEDIATELY! Discordianism must be removed from the "Parody Religions" and listed with the "real" ones, or else ALL religions must be listed as "Parody Religions."

You don't have to take much time out of your busy schedule. Just email Yahoo! If you are in a rush, simply cut and paste the the email message on www.apple-juice.org. It will take you less time than it has taken you to read to this point. If you are feeling creative and this sort of thing appeals to you, please feel free to write your own message, the weirder the better.

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

Do it. I'm all for this. I do think that it'd be nice to write your own thing, and while a glut of weirdness would be cool, there's something to be said for the calm rational approach when dealing with Entrenched Greyfacism. Do whatever you like, just do fnord.

2001-05-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Now this is what I call chess. According to an article in The Hindu, there was a youth chess championship held in India which, in addition to starting half a day late because so many kids wanted to play, suffered because of overcrowding, lack of food, angry parents, and a swarm of bees.

According to the article, the competitors, all young kids, had to play chess in crowded, hot rooms, without food or water for the hours they had to be there playing the tournament, with angry and frustrated parents who had travelled all the way to the city, only to discover all the hotels had been booked up for another event. And then, bees starting invading the building where the match was being played. Panic ensued.

Now, I think this is a good idea. I think all future matches in the chess world should involve stifling heat, player dehydration, and bees. It certainly would make the matches go faster. I can just see Gary Kasparov, sweaty, emaciated, with a day's growth of beard, trying to fork his opponant's bishop while dodging swarms of angry bees. ESPN might actually start covering it. Benadryl would sponsor it. Isn't it amazing how much coverage a game can get if you throw pain and agony into it? The Japanese understand this. Look at their game shows.

Yeah, okay, I like to play chess every now and again. But face it, chess is a very ordered, rule-based, and untelegenic game. Unlike Sink, which I think could be very fun to watch. So what is the lesson here? Are chaotic things more interesting to watch? Well, based on American TV, I think you could make an argument for that. But here's the thing- I think that chaotic things are so interesting to watch in America because we are otherwise surrounded by Order! The chaos of the shows breaks our routine, and gives us something different to view. I can imagine a culture that was surrounded by Chaos, on the other hand, would find the quiet contempation and orderly proceedings of a standard, non-bee-infested chess match to be as interesting as we find Cops, or the evening news, or a Brazillian soccer match. (The fans, I mean.) Perhaps in chaotic cultures, such as Israel or Congo, we could produce nice, orderly television programs, where everything follows a pattern and is dictated by rules, where there are no surprises, and where things are predictable. Maybe that would help balance out the chaos in their lives. I suggest we start with Friends.

2001-05-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

"When I sold 100,000 records, I got chicks that were maybe 130, 140 pounds. Now that we've sold 10 million records, they're supermodels, Playmates." - Kid Rock, in Gear magazine.

Some things really frost my cupcakes and this sort of crap is one of them. No, I'm not talking about sizeism, though that's pretty bad in and of itself. (And no, I'm not talking about Gear's slogan "Where men live." I'm a man, and I don't live anywhere near there. And no I'm not talking about Kid Rock's formulaic corporate faux-rebel rock, either.) I'm talking about good old-fashioned hypocrisy.

Get behind this trip. In America, a country that produced the likes of Kid Rock, money is seen as good, and sex is seen as evil. The first is evidenced by the exorbitant wages paid to high-profile (but not necessarily valuable) people in American society, such as sports stars, movie actors, CEOs, politicians, etc. The second is evidenced by many things: movie rating systems that forbid bare nipples but allow decapitations, illegal prostitution, indoctrination against alternative sexual lifestyles, the inability of any decent porn stars to get elected to high office, etc. etc. So, if this is the case, why is it that as your money goes up, your ability to have sex goes up as well? Shouldn't it be the other way around? The poor schlubs of the world should be scoring every night, while Bill Gates should be locked in a monestary somewhere. (Well, maybe he should just on general concerns.)

Ah, no my friends, the truth is the sexual repression is a cold spectre lingering from when America was first conquered by Pilgrims. Those Pilgrims may not have had much, but they had moral outrage and fear a-plenty. And as we all know, fear is the weapon of the Greyface.

I'm not entirely sure *why* so many religions think sex is a Bad Thing. Usually it's a doctrine like: have lots of kids and indoctrinate them into our religion, but, you know, don't enjoy yourself while doing it. I dunno about that. Sex, when done right, is a lot of fun. And why shouldn't it be? Why should you feel shameful for it? So go out, have sex, and have a good time! Just, you know, be responsible and safe. Nothing wrong with doin' it for yourself, if you got no one to do it for you.

2001-05-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna ramble a little bit, here. Now, Telesis is a publication like any other (okay, the topic is a little non-mainstream, but hey) and thus that makes me a journalist. I know! You're getting all creeped out, aren't you? I like Ambrose Bierce's definition of a reporter: "A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words." There's no question that the press has an effect on the public. The exact potence of that effect is hotly debated, but come on. If Keanu Reeves can be a top-grossing actor, then something in the media is pretty damn influential.

I was reading through the Washington Post Online today, and saw this editorial. It talks about how Jeb Bush was accused of sleeping around with a Playmate, and how he denied it. (Though, hell, I think a politician that can bag a Playmate ought to be proud of it. They don't just sleep with anyone, you know.) The editorial goes on to discuss about how the media, when a rumor like this is ignored, ignores it as well. When it is vehemently denied, however, the media is all over it, and suddenly the Wall Street Journal is no better than the Weekly World News. Oh, wait. Reverse that.

My whole point is who asked them? When did reporters get the right to snoop and probe anyone's life as soon as they entered the public eye? What about journalistic ethics? Doctors and lawyers are required to take tests and study ethics, and become certified before they can practice. Shouldn't journalists? I mean, anyone with that much influence should be licensed, right? Like a deadly weapon? I am living proof that any crackpot can become a reporter. All I have to do is get enough people to listen to me, and I can shape the perceptions of the world. No license required. Maybe this is a good idea for religious folk, too.

Of course, the people who gave reporters the rights to snoop are the people who buy the newspapers. Jun and Krupesh Q. Consumer is who. This is very hard to do, but remember that a Discordian is forbidden to believe anything she reads. Including this. Which is why I have adopted as the official "motto" of Telesis the following:

Believe nothing you read and half of what you see.
It's the only thing that makes sense.

2001-05-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

I got this wonderful letter in my mail recently. Here it is.

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I was so touched, I had to write back:

Dear Mr. Chris Guirguis, Pope:

Thank you so much for your kind letter! We at the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium are always happy to hear from people who have been affected by our Ministry. If you have spoken to one of our "clients," as you so charmingly put it, then you are already a friend of ours! Would you be so kind as to say who you spoke to? I'd love to keep track of where everyone is! (And if you don't mind, I'd like to steal that idea of calling people "clients" from you! Too cute!)

I must say that I'm a bit intrigued by your suggestion. Up until now, as you know, from doing all the research you have in our type of business, the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium is a non-prophet irreligious disorganization, and generally speaking we've been satistfied with our online presence. Again, as you know from your extensive research, we maintain _Telesis_, the official organ of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium (more specifically, the spleen). There are also many popular and informative Discordian sites on the web which attract a regular following. But you seem to think this isn't enough? Very well! I'm intrigued! Tell me more! What wonderful ideas do you have? If possible, could you express the ideas in Discordian theories and terms? I know it's a bit of a ticky thing to ask, but with all your research, it shouldn't be too difficult. And that way, I can see we're on the same plane.

It's funny you should mention budget. I was having a discussion just the other day with Trinity SanCastle and Mungojerry Applebottom (you've probably read their posts in _Mugginater_, or anything to come out of Seattle's Crunchy Cabal.) It's so good to see that people are following the advice of Mal-2 in the _Principia Discordia_ when he said we should "keep cool" about being Discordians for profit. I'm glad to hear that the icy shores of Canada are still a bulwark from the rampant capitalism of the USA. I know how tempting it is to make a buck, but I'm really proud and honored that you guys have put aside that, and are willing to do like most Discordians: put aside profit for The Cause.

By the way, I'm very impressed with your website. The large "[403] Error - Access Forbidden" logo was very awe-inspiring and even made me tremble a little bit. And the fact that it had no content at all about your company was a nice touch! Keep 'em guessing, I always say! Though, is the real name of your company "Virtual Avenue"? I thought you were Webpotion or something. No matter! A rose by any other name, and all that!

Well, wow, so much in one letter! I hope I haven't caused you eye strain, reading this. Please! Write me back! I'm positively quivering with anticipation over your ideas! Forgive me if I seem a bit excitable, but honestly, there's nothing I love better than to see honest, thoughtful, and earnest people work sincerely and creatively for others. And you are obviously very thoughtful, sincere, and honest.

Until we speak again, I remain yours...

Five tons of flax!
Lord Falgan, FM, KSC
Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium
http://telesis.blogspot.com

PS: If you like, I am also empowered by the Universal Life Church of Modesto, CA, to forgive sin(s). If you've got any sins that need forgiving, just let me know. I'll be happy to oblige, at no charge, for the kind work you're going to be doing for us. -- LF

2001-05-13T06:09:00.000-07:00

Blogger has been undergoing technical difficulties. Publishing new entries has been affected. Please bear with us.

2001-05-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today's installment of Telesis will not be published until tomorrow. Instead, please take some time to observe a moment of silence at the passing of St. Douglas Adams.

"We apologize for the inconvenience."

2001-05-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

There have always been rumors about deviant sexual practices among the Roman Catholic church. Many, I'm sure, are unfounded, started by the Church's many historical enemies. But according to an article I came across in the Lincoln Journal-Star, the Pope himself has begun a new kink. Dirt-kissing. Read the article here. Apparantly, this is a Catholic-sanctioned ritual where affection is shown to piles, clods, or, according to this article, even bowls of dirt. There was a big gossip-fest in Greece about whether or not the Pope would kiss the dirt when he arrived there. Apparantly, Israel's dirt told Romania's dirt in study hall that the Pope liked Greece's dirt best. But Italy's dirt, the Pope's main squeeze, overheard them and threatened to keep the Pope from touching its rocks ever again if he kissed Greece's dirt. So there was some confusion as to if he would or wouldn't. As the article says:

"Did he do it?" a reporter cried.

A nun carrying the basket from the airport looked shocked. "Of course he did it," she said.

The question I want to know is did he use any tongue?

We at the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium wholeheartily welcome the Pope coming out of the ditch and publically recognizing his deep and abiding affection for all things soil. I think it sets a great precedent for dirt-kissers worldwide, and represents a growing change in Catholic tolerances. The veneration and love of dirt is as old as time, when primitive tribes would hold, fondle, and even copulate with mud pits and cliffsides to show their respect for the earth. Ah, if only we could have that freedom now. Thanks to the Pope, we just might, friends. We just might.

2001-05-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, I suppose I should talk about this a little bit. There has always been a kind of assumption by most folks that the use of recreational drugs and Discordianism sort of go hand in hand. Why is this so? Discordianism was re-discovered in the 1960s, a time when recreational drug use was considered "in vogue" for many segments of American culture, especially in the counter-culture, of which the Discordian Society was certain a part. Further, many people come to Discordianism through Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea's book, The Illuminatus! Trilogy. In Illuminatus!, many of the characters are Discordians and frequently use LSD and hash. And I have a feeling, though I could be wrong, that Mal-2 and Ravenhurst, founders of POEE, probably were known to have a little nip of those very things now and again. So, yeah, a lot of Discordian history has recreational drug use in it, especially of the mind-altering variety.

But understand this: I'm a big fan of R.A. Wilson and his books, but the Discordianism he presents within those works of fiction and the genuine article are not quite the same thing. The fact that the extant literature about Discordianism has people blazing up or taking hits left and right should not be an indication that that is what Discordianism is about, or indeed that partaking in chemical refreshements is even a part of Discordianism. The truth is that it's neither here nor there. Drug use has nothing to do with modern Discordianism. You might as well ask if Discordians wear pants, or prefer gel toothpaste over baking soda.

Now, I have a hard enough time dealing with reality sober. It just doesn't make sense for me to add more chaos or order to my life artificially. I have no personal problem with people who want to use trendy chemical amusement aid, so long as they don't kill people or throw up on my shoes or anything. Though there are a lot of people who use getting high as an excuse to behave like an asshole. But, do what thou wilt in the comfort of thine own living room.

But do realize that taking or not taking fizzy mind pills is a choice that really has nothing to do with Discordianism. If you want to see the spinning of the Chao, you have to have clear eyes.

I am reminded of my younger days when members of my peer group were experimenting with LSD. Of course, supposedly, they would have these mind-blowing revelations about the True Nature of the Universe while tripping (while their mind is only hitting on two cylinders, go figure). The problem was that they could never remember what those revelations were the next morning. One of these guys gets the bright idea to bring a pad and pen along, so he can write down the Word of God when it is Revealed to him. So, he drops, he trips, he gets what he thinks is a really big Piece of the Cosmic Puzzle, and he writes it down. Next morning he wakes up, and you know what his Glorious Epiphany was? "Trash Stinks."

This is the Age of Aftermath, folks. Cigarettes (and other forms of recreational pharmeceuticals) are out, oxygen is in. Eris said so.

2001-05-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

For the day is near, the day of the LORD is near-- a day of clouds, a time of doom for the nations. -Ezekiel 30:3
Imbalance causes frustration, and frustration causes fear. And fear makes for a bad trip. Man has been on a bad trip for a long time now. It is called THE CURSE OF GREYFACE. -Principia Discordia

2001-05-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

Here's something else to chew on. I gave you Dada Terrorism a couple of days back. Here some more Dada for you.
Discordian Crossword Poetry
This is a kind of nifty thing to do when you're sitting around bored. It allows you to be creative and silly and possibly reveal the true nature of the universe to you while doing so. First off, you'll need a crossword puzzle. Any one will do. It doesn't matter if the crossword has been done or not, you're interested in the clues. Start with one across, and then read, aloud, the clues, without the numbers, declaiming them as if they were of great poetical manufacture. Feel free to run one clue into another to make sentences, or stop in the middle of a clue for effect, or what not. Try it. You'll be surprised with the results, provided you really commit to doing it, and read the stuff with gusto and awareness to what you're doing.

Here's an example. I got these from Excite Classic Games crossword puzzle for today. Here's the first set of across clues, as written: 1. Uses a stopwatch 6. Gives courage to 10. Big bang sound? 14. Word between looks and everything 15. Top drawer 16. Bugs Bunny's home, essentially 17. Symbol of wedlock 19. Follows suit

Now, you might construct those clues into a poem like this:

Uses a stopwatch.
Gives courage to Big bang sound?
Word between looks
and everything top drawer
Bugs Bunny's home essentially symbol of wedlock
follows suit.

Remember, the more dramatic and evocative you can make the words the better. And remember these poems are meant to be heard aloud, not read silently. Enjoy.

2001-05-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

Announcing a new Telesis essay contest: 500 words or less, explain why so many people in this world are miserable, unfriendly, or unhappy. Commentary on how to remedy this situation (if possible) or at least how to counteract it when encountered also is nice. Winner gets published here (I know, yippee-skippee) and possibly will have their essay included in the upcoming Discordian wurk, The Book of Stamps. Contest ends at the end of the month, or whenever. Entries will be judged on writing style, use of Discordian philosophy, and insight. Bribes accepted. Rants and weirdness are okay, too, just try to make yourself useful. This falls into the Creative sphere, not Destructive.

Send all entries to lordfalgan@hotmail.com. Hail Eris.

2001-05-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

Now this is just funny to me. I saw this story off the Reuters News Feeds. (We have these ancient teletype machines back in the Pineal Research Lab that we keep around simply because we like the sound they make, that constant *clackclackclackclack* makes us all feel a little more like Edward R. Murrow.) Have a read for yourself, but here's the story in a nutshell: Radio Tango in Norway has started broadcasting nude weather reports every morning. They have some model from this porn magazine called Lek brought in once a month, and she takes off all her clothes and does the weather. (Kiddies, please get your parents permission to view the Norwegian Porn before you click that link.) Okay, sure, it's unusual, certainly by American standards, but in case you are wondering why I noticed such a cheap publicity stunt, read that again. The broadcasts are on the radio.

I dunno, can't you imagine the pulses of all these Norwegian teenboys and frustrated middle-aged men racing a bit as they hear, "And now for our Nude Weather report!" They all reach out to turn up the volume, so as better to hear the nudity. Now, the website has a video on it of their first nudie weathergirl, Siv Johannessen, taking off her clothes while there's this map of Norway up on a green screen behind her, but remember, on the radio, who can tell? It's like the moon landings that never happened. The DJs say, "Hey, Siv, looks there's some cold air coming over the mountains, huh? Or maybe they're ALREADY cold! *braying laughter* (sfx: BOING!) Siv: *giggle* Who would be the wiser? One Oslo stoner looks at another Olso stoner and says, "Dude! There's a naked chick in a radio studio! And we're listening to her!" Oh, yeah, apparantly, Siv had some troubles on her first day trying to strip AND do the weather at the same time. Should we be surprised?

So, maybe it will work for them. That's fine. I like the whole concept on its merits. The three of them could be lying through their teeth, but you better believe that hormone-hazed fantasies are a-churning every morning in the fjords. They could also be telling the truth, but... hell, why bother? Make a video every few days, stick in on the website, and the story is complete.

Side note: Yes, I checked out the video on the web site, purely to pass along to you as in-depth a study as possible, here. We at Telesis take our duties very seriously, and we swear to look at as many nude Norwegians as we possibly can in the effort to bring you the best quality Discordian news.

2001-05-05T04:26:00.000-07:00

If I didn't know any better, I'd think someone was jake-ing me.

I'm on the mailing list of Harris Poll Online, which is a company that does consumer surveys and research for companies over the Internet. After my time in the Pineal Research Lab, I'm all for research and science and What Not. So I figure, why not do my part For Science.
So, I get this email from Harris, about a new survey they want me to participate in. Here's a snippet from the email:

Harris Poll Online is conducting an online survey about
corrective eyewear and would very much like to include your
opinions. We estimate that it will take about 20 minutes
to complete the study.

Emphasis mine. Okay, sure, I wear corrective eyewear. (Which reminds me to start stocking contact lenses for the third eye. Should sell very well.) I go to the site, log in, and it asks me what sort of corrective eyewear I wear, standard sort of demographic information.

Then... the next question is a general survey of how I feel about certain products. But these products have nothing to do with eyewear. Here's the list they asked my opinions about: Hershey's Milk Chocolate Candy Bars, MasterCard Credit Card, LEGO Toys, United Airlines, Rubbermaid Household Products, Magnavox Televisions, Fisher-Price Toys, Nike Athletic Shoes, ESPN (Entertainment and Sports Programming Network), Marriott Hotels, MTV (Music Television), NyQuil Cold Medication, Toyota Automobiles, Hallmark Greeting Cards, The Wall Street Journal, Dristan Cold Medication, Ford Automobiles, Cuisinart Food Processors, Burger King Restaurants, Kmart Stores. (MTV got low marks from me, while NyQuil got a perfect score.) What's more, that's all they ask. A few more demographic questions, and the survey is done. The only thing they asked me about that had to do with my corrective lenses what what sort I wore.

So, this means one of two things. 1) Harris Poll is playing a very well-done jake on me, something which I would deeply respect them for if it were true, or, and more likely, B) there is a hidden connection between the need for eyewear and the above listed products. Based upon this survey, I can only conclude that the above listed products cause eyesight loss. What other possible explanation could there be? You tell the survey you wear glasses, it comes back and asks oh-so-innocently, "Really? Do you happen to use any of these products? And do you LIKE them? How much do you LIKE them?"

Of course, I'm not entirely sure about exactly how, for instance, using LEGOs and staying at the Marriott would cause you to loose your 20/20 vision. But let's not distort the truth with facts. There must be some connection between the two. Those of you wearing glasses or contacts, take a look around your homes. Check for products listed above. Consider where you shop and where you sleep, and if you've eaten a Whopper. And then start figuring out when was the last time you've had your eyes checked.

2001-05-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how tommorow is one of the two major Jake Days celebrated by Discordians, I was hoping to reprint something from when Telesis was a printed paper magazine oh so many years ago. Of course, I can't find it, nor does it seem to exist in any archive on the web like some of my other earlier stuff. So, I'm going to have to recreate it, here, from memory. Keep your fingers V'ed.

Dada Terrorism
by Lord Falgan and SWMNBN
Dada Terrorism is a work of Discordian magick, of the Confusion face. It is an advanced spell, and so will require the help of a whole cabal, probably. Dada Terrorism works because it strikes Greyfaces at the heart of their world: The Store. Through the use of this technique, even the most structured and ordered of locales can be transformed into an event of Confusion.
Part I
Begin by finding a likely candidate store. Any store will do, though some will be better than others. You will need to be able to move about undetected, and it will help if the store has a wide variety of items. Convenience stores are great for this, as are supermarkets. Foot Locker is not so good.
Part II
Once you have chosen your target, have your Cabal enter the store and fan out. Take time to look like you are an actual consumer. Also take time to figure out what items are available, and begin to make your plans.
Part III
Here's the tricky bit. Begin to slowly, subtly, and systematically re-arrange the items in the store. The idea here is to place things next to each other that would normally never be found next to each other. So, you might put a row of hairspray next to the fruit dip, or a selection of feminine hygiene products in the freezer compartment next to the fish sticks. Be as subtle and as quick as you can. Try to avoid obvious or cliched juxtapositions. Garlic and mouthwash, for instance, is too "on the nose." Remember to place the products as if they were meant to be in their new location, all faced out and neatly arranged. And it goes without saying, don't damage or steal anything. Watch out for employees, who can suffer serious backlash to your weaving of the spell.
Part IV
Exit the store, knowing that you have done the good work for Eris.
Part V
There is no part 5.

The Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium would never actually do anything like this, and doesn't suggest anyone else do it, either. Really. No lie. And Discordians never lie.

2001-05-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

When will the world learn, hm? This seems to be a running theme in my posts, of late, but darn it, it's just true. You must understand this: the idea that Order and Chaos are different things is a lie. They are the same. The more order you push into the world, the more chaos will come after. The more chaos you push, the more order will swell back, in time.

Let me point out this article, which details how a school in Canada attempted to impose a dress code, and the results it produced. One of the students came wearing only Post-It notes, claiming that he interpreted the strict code to mean that they were the only thing he could wear. (Details about size, color, and strategic placement of said notes is not included in the article.)

The article doesn't say much about what the parents and school administrators thought of the fallout of their new code, a product of a "Zero Tolerance" policy. (Which is SUCH a cop-out. "We don't want the hassle of making decisions about important issues, so we're going to ban everything which could possibly come up!" Puh-leeze.) Now, I know there are some real issues facing schools and teens- there always have been. But throttling the kids with Order is not going to make the Chaos go away (though that's not really what the problem is, it's just what the Greyfaces think it is). It's going to create MORE Chaos. The solution is to create a harmonious blend of Order and Chaos. Establish some structure to ensure people learn how to behave right when they want to. Mix in some freedoms to allow people to experiment with their own identity. Teach responsibility for actions, so that people understand that they can't go around being assholes. This is what is important. Throw away the duality of Order and Chaos. They are the same thing.

2001-05-02T09:54:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I've been whacking the site around. I've changed the look a bit. Let me know if you like it or not. I've also gotten the archives working, I think. They don't work exactly as I would like them- everything is categoriezed by month. But it's a start. As always, I'm interested in feedback from fellow Discordians about my work, here, at Telesis, so feel free to drop me a note at lordfalgan@hotmail.com.

2001-05-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

I know many of you have probably seen this site, but I thought I'd call attention to it here anyway. It's the home of Chaos at Maryland, an academic group that is devoted to the science and theory of Chaos. There's a lot of heavy math involved, here, much of it way over my head, so don't bother asking me for interpretations. However, what's really nifty is some of the graphical examples they have of chaos at work. In essense, it shows how through an ordered mathematical process, randomness and chaos is generated. Some of it is really rather beautiful, I think. I particularly like the "Tinkerbell Attractor," but that might be just because of the name.

What's even cooler is when you realize that while you can generate chaos from order, you can also generate order from chaos. Ever noticed how a random number generator sometimes starts spewing out patterns? The same thing here. If a random generator picked an even spread of all possible numbers in the range, it wouldn't be random, would it? As Mal-2 put it, the idea of order versus chaos is silly, for they are the same. Mu.

2001-05-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

I looked at the tshirts I have for sale, and honestly, I don't like the design on the back of the Queen of Hands one. It's not bad, and I really like the quote, but I think I can do something better. So, I'm working on that. If you happen to like what exists, go ahead and grab a shirt before I change it. It probably won't have the quote and won't be about POEE, but be something that incorporates the Hand again. Watch this space.

2001-05-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

There are some people in the world who are Discordians and don't know it. This is perfectly okay. One such person, I think, is Andrei Codrescu. He's a poet and commentator, and he runs an online journal called Exquisite Corpse. This in itself is a good read. But what I particularly like about Saint Codrescu is that he gets to get on National Public Radio and rant. This very fact alone elevates him to Sainthood in the Novus Ordo Seclurum Erisium. Who else could manage such a feat, ranting over the airwaves to a national audience through a government-sponsored medium? Here is good example of his genius. You'll need RealPlayer to listen. So, do welcome St. Codrescu to the fold. (Note: It's entirely possible that St. Codrescu is a fully Illuminated Discordian and just hiding it well. If so, all the better.)

As a side note, there's another site called Exquisite Corpse which has nothing to do with Codrescu. But this does have information about a Dada game which is of the same calibre as Sink, in my opinion, and should be added to the literature as a Discordian staple. Check it out.

2001-04-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Mail call. Regarding my previous post about Fnording Dollar Bills,4/25/01, Dingo Kaka, the High Mucky-Muck of the Goofball Cabal, was kind enough to point out this site as a possible template for tracking Fnorded Dollar Bills. If I ever get a real domain name and host site, I'll see about setting up something myself to enable us to track the money that, as Dingo put it, is "fighting the good fight." Other ideas are always welcome.

Also got this letter:

Lord Falgan: What is the Queen of Hands thing which you have on one of those t-shirts? Mai-Tai-Ping Chao, Shasta Orange Cabal.

Glad you asked, Mai-Tai. The Queen of Hands is one of the Five Aspects of Eris revealed to the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium. There is also the Queen of Pyramids, the Queen of Pentagons, the Queen of Apples, the Queen of Fnords. The Queen of Hands is the Aspect of Aftermath, and is one of the symbols of our Age. She represents Eris in direct action, the Will of Chaos moving with purpose and direction, a symbol of courage and fortitude. But she is always in Chaos, even though her purpose and aim may seem Ordered, where she goes, Chaos follows. She rocks.

2001-04-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

The Legend of Bagger Vance (the other one).
A Zen story.
by Lord Falgan

There once was a man whose name was Vance. Vance lived in a small town, and had for most of his life. He worked for the town's sanitation department, and it was his job to ride around on the back of a dump truck with other men. These men would pick up leaves and branches from fallen trees, collect piles of cut grass from where other workers had mown the town's parks and embankments, saw up fallen tree trunks, and clear gulleys and ditches of debris. Many of the men had been doing this job for many years, and Vance was one of them, having spent over half his life in the same job, signing on when he was eighteen and now pushing sixty.

Many of the men had a particular job they were good at. Some liked to work the chainsaws, one, the foreman, Gordon, always drove the truck. (In fact, he seldom got out of it once in.) Other men were loaders and shovelers. But there was only one 'bagger' as they called the position, and that was Vance. You see, whenever there was leaves or cut grass or pinestraw which had to be carted away, the men would load that material into large, sturdy garbage bags. The bagger would remove the bag from the box on the truck, open the bag, and then hold it so that its mouth was open. The loaders would then either shovel in the leaves or grass with rakes or in their hands. Once the bag was full, the bagger would tie the bag off and toss it into the back of the dump truck.

Vance was an exceptional bagger. In fact, he was considered by many in those parts to be the best bagger the town's sanitation department had ever seen. When a new bag was needed, Vance could whip out a bag and in a single swipe of his arm, fill the bag with air so that it had ballooned out to it's maximum capacity, all in less than a second. Equally fast, he could get perfect placement of the bag to receive the awaiting detritus, and knew exactly how much material the bag could hold without rupturing, even calculating for variability in weight, density, sharpness, and dampness. And just as fast, he would spin the bag close, tie it off with the precision and speed of a calf-roper, and send it up into the back of the truck, and before you knew it, have another bag ready to go. Such was his skill. It was an amazing sight, and everyone lauded Vance both to his face and to others for his puissant ability.

But where years of specialization made Vance excel at bagging, it also had caused him to be sub-par in just about everything else. He couldn't load very well- he would spill half the material on the way to the bag. He was a lousy driver, with bad eyes. He was a bit lazy, too, and would be slow with a shovel and rake. Even in his personal life, things were dull and gray. He never married, dated rarely in his youth and none at all as he got older. He was thought to be sour and taciturn, and would probably age well into a full-blown curmudgeon when and if he ever retired from his job.

But it seemed like he never would. On the whole, Gordon, the foreman, didn't think Vance was a very good worker- except for his exceptional bagging skills. In any other situation, Gordon probably would have fired someone like Vance. He believed that all his workers should be able to work hard and well at most any function they were required to perform. But it was a small town. And Vance's bagging skills really were very good. So, so long as the skills held out, Vance stayed. And it had been that way for as long as most people remembered.

Then, one day, something changed. The truck was called upon to collect the leaves a groundskeeping crew had raked up from the city park. Things were going along as well- the loaders were gathering up the leaves in piles, and Vance was bagging at his usual professional rate. The call rang out from across the park. A 5-bagger. (That meant the loaders estimated that it would take five bags to collect all the leaves from that one pile.) It was a large problem, but one which Vance had handled on many occasions. Gordon pulled the truck up. Vance got out, sized up the pile for a moment, and said. "No. It's a 6." And without having to look, he reached for the cardboard box of trash bags to whip one out and begin the loading process...

... but the box was empty. This was not an unusual thing, either. Vance grabbed the empty, tossed it into the back of the truck and called for a replacement. Gordon slid a new box to Vance from the cab of the truck, but when Vance took it, he noticed that it was a differently shaped box than he was used to. "These aren't the same bags." he commented. Gordon nodded. "Yeah, they're new bags." Vance frowned at the new box. "But we've been using the same bag for years." he says. Gordon shrugged. "They don't make those old bags any more. These are supposed to be stronger and can hold more." Vance frowned again. Gordon looked at the aging man and shrugged again. "Give them a try."

And, reluctantly, he did try them. The bags /were/ stronger. And they /could/ hold more. But Vance had a terrible time with them. Their weight was all different, and the plastic didn't come apart like the old bags. It took him almost half a minute to get them open, and when he tried to collect leaves in them, he couldn't hold the opening wide enough and half of the leaves would spill back onto the ground. And they had these built in twist-ties that he struggled with. It was no use. As much as he tried, he just simply could not learn to use these new bags. He was too old and too specialized.

Gordon did something he rarely did. He got out of the cab of the truck, and walked over to Vance. "Vance." he said. "I hate to say this, but... if you can't be our bagger, you're not much use to us." He sighed. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."

"About time." Vance said, scowling. "I hate this job." And with that, he walked away, and never worked again.

(K) Lord Falgan, FM, KSC. All rites reversed - reprint what you like, but credit me, eh?

2001-04-28T18:48:00.000-07:00

You'll notice a new link to the left. It's the Buy Stuff link. Yes, like many cabals, the Novus Ordo Seclorum Erisium has also sold out. But as St. Elfman once wrote, "There's nothing wrong with capitalism." I've tried to make the t-shirts, etc. interesting and unusual. Have a look. Yes, I make a very small profit from the sales of these items, but the truth is I'm trying to get my own domain to host this mess, so that'll help. And I think they're kinda cool, too. More on the symbolism and meanings of the various icons you'll find on the merchandise coming soon to this space.